Locked out of Heaven

[knox]

EPISODE VI

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"Seed you? Isn't that like a perv thing?"[/font]

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Holy fuck! This round has me super nervous, I am so mad that the results changed and now Ben is immune. Granted I was glad Selena fucked it up, but then when I saw Ben was immune instead I am just very displeased with the whole situation. We had the perfect opportunity again to make a big move and now it might be all in vain.

So tonight, a lot went down. Let me start from the beginning, when we thought Selena was immune as opposed to Ben. At first we were all excited talking about dividing the votes 3-3 and then whoever played the idol got fucked over and bla bla.

We were so excited that even me and AJ got into a phonecall with Wendy, but as soon as the results got changed the phonecall became super awkward because both me and AJ knew that the extra votes HAD to be on Wendy, there was no way around it. So, we started freaking out trying to figure out how to get out of the call so we could have one with Henry/Thiago [Mark was offline at the time]. Thankfully Wendy was going under ground on the subway so she had to hang up.

Clearly we immediately went ahead and went into this phone-call with the guys. Thiago thanked me for including him, made him feel less paranoid and appreciated, he was super paranoid before, which was really annoying, and made me realize he doesn't fully trust me. But whatever.

During this phone-call we basically came to the conclusion that we had to have some votes on Wendy. Basically three of us would vote for Ellen and then three on Wendy, we would make sure Wendy votes for Ellen, of course. If Ellen gets cocky and doesn't play the idol she goes home, and then if she does, Wendy leaves. It seemed simple enough, until we realized that we had to give a story to Wendy about who the votes were for.

So, I came up with an idea. We would tell Wendy that four of us were voting Ellen, and two of them were voting for me. Because at that time it sounded fool's proof and I trust all of them enough to keep me around in a tiebreaker. I think in a way it was a good strategic move for me to say "Hey, I trust you guys enough to put my life in the game in your hands." It makes me look trustworthy.

Then by telling Wendy four votes were for Ellen, even if she went back to Ellen and told her what was going on, then she would feel she is still receiving three votes and she would play her idol. If Wendy ended voting for me, even if Ellen/Ben did the same thing then I would survive in a tie-breaker situation against Wendy. The whole thing was to make sure the story was believable. So the vote division went like this: Wendy, myself and Mark would vote for Ellen, we would tell Wendy that AJ is ALSO voting for Ellen, instead of for her. And then we would tell her that both Thiago and Henry are voting me out.

Wendy went back and told Ellen, we suspect because Ellen approached Thiago [calling him babe, and being uber fake] and told him that she was leaning towards voting me out but she thought Wendy was going. Super random, no clue how she clued in on that either. But then that's when I started getting scared, if Wendy votes for me and Ellen somehow plays the idol on Wendy then I will be going home. And that would suck after all the effort I've put into this game and the plan and everything.

I am getting a little scared, not even gonna lie. The key to the whole thing is to make Ellen either not play her idol or play it on herself, even if Wendy betrays us then it's all good. Thiago kinda messed up because he is just telling different things to different people; for example he was supposed to tell Wendy he was voting ME out, and instead said he was voting Ellen. Which is not that big of a deal but I am nervous they would see through that if our story doesn't entirely match up.

I have to say I am nervous now, especially because I feel I made myself the target. Now it doesn't seem like such a smart move, I mean if it works then I will be a genius [Henry complimented me on coming up with such an awesome plan] but if it goes dire then I could be in a world of trouble.

I almost wanna ask Mark for his idol, but I don't want to waste it and I don't think he would give it to me either. I really don't want to go home right before the merge, but I have to take risks in this game and I think this is gonna pay off... I have a little bad feeling inside which almost makes me wanna just vote for Wendy, but... I don't wanna mess things up.

I have to have faith that my allies will be good enough actors to make the whole plan work. I just really, really hope it does. I would be devastated if I get voted out right before a merge, but I guess we will see. This is the first round I might be in danger and it's all my doing, oh boy...

[knox]

I just found out that Thiago has a boyfriend so now I feel super bad that I have been flirting and calling him handsome and stuff. I feel pretty trashy right about now. I mean, yes I didn't know but that's no excuse, *sigh* it's not even about the fact that I was slightly smitten with him, it's just the fact that I actually flirted and all that with someone who has a boyfriend of two years.

Totally trashy. I might distance myself a little, just because I feel really rude and stuff.

[knox]

EPISODE VI

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"Seed you? Isn't that like a perv thing?"[/font]

[/center]

Well... this day has been mostly stressful. Now that the plan has been set into motion all I can do is literally wait.I cannot talk to people because I don't want to raise suspicion and have Ellen play the idol on Wendy.

I am super scared that something would go wrong and I will end going home. But I made this plan for a reason and it sounds smart, so I need to trust that my allies can do their part of the arrangement. My faith is literally in their hands and how convincing they can be about things. If one of them sucks, then I might as well say my goodbyes.

I'm just like sitting here waiting for results already, because I am so over waiting and stressing. They are all keeping me up to date with everything people are saying though, so I know they are not trying to screw me over. Every single one of them IM's me constantly with updates and things that are going on, so I know they want me in the game. I mean, they need me. If I go home, then the merge is gonna be Hell for them. Otherwise it's gonna be 6-6 most likely.

I have been playing stupid to Wendy though, just saying that the vote is Ellen and I don't know anything else. The bitch is crazy though, she had in her mind that Thiago was the target somehow and it's just insanity. She is just clearly unstable, she needs to do, such a wildcard.

Everyone keeps telling me that I am gonna be fine. Wendy sent a PM this morning to the other guys saying that I was getting blindsided that she, myself and AJ were voting Ellen and the guys were gonna vote me out. I find it kinda hilarious that she is taking credit for the whole plan, when I actually came up with the whole thing, but oh well, if she feels she is in control then things will be fine.

Something happened with Thiago, that he said that Ellen thought Wendy was going, but then he had to tell her something. I don't know there was some confusion there, but he said that he solved it, so I hope he did. Apparently he got Wendy and Ellen fighting or arguing which is good, I think?

I don't know I'm nervous. This round I'm either a mastermind or I am the biggest fool in GvE... and I don't wanna be the latter. Can it just be eleven already? I need to see the results already!!!

[knox]

EPISODE VI

[/b]
"Seed you? Isn't that like a perv thing?"[/font]





Reaction video to the votes.[/center]

[knox]

EPISODE VII

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"This is the part where we slo-mo run into each other's arms"[/font]

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The game has changed once again, and not in the way that we all expected, there was not a merge. There was a swap, and the way the swap turned out there are 3 people from each side on each tribe, which means there are either going to be some major good plays or a lot of ties. It is very nerve-wracking, to say the least.

The worst of it all, I am back with Selena. You know, before this round I didn't have anything against her personally, just about the shit in the game. But yesterday she made it personal. Now, I know I ain't no angel, and I have done my fair share of being a dick [see: Liam last season] but I believe I have never attacked someone on something personal.

Last night, Selena made fun of my weight. Granted I know right now I am not fat, I am pretty skinny actually. However, I have a really bad history with eating disorders and had I been in the wrong mood last night, or having an episode, this could have had consequences that go beyond the game. Luckily I was in the right frame of mind though.

Perhaps I set myself up for it, but the truth is I absolutely despise Selena now. I want her gone yesterday, and yes this time it is personal. It's not because she lied and she didn't admit to it, but because she is now hitting below the belt. Who makes fun of people for their weight? The way they look? Their families? How low can you go?

I am disgusted to even be in a game with her. I considered just dropping off last night, because I know if those kind of comments continue and one day I'm in the wrong mindset shit is gonna go down for me, personally. But I can't do that to my guys, and I am just not a quitter...

Maybe I'm emotional, or maybe I am right. I don't know, what I do know is that Selena went a little too far last night and took a childish game rivalry and turned it into some personal thing that should have never gotten to where it got. I guess this can be a lesson for us all, that we should never attack people on things unrelated to the game because we never know what the consequences in real life can be.

[knox]

EPISODE VII

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"This is the part where we slo-mo run into each other's arms"[/font]



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[knox]

Searching for the idol is giving me a headache. That and the fact we have no plans for the challenge and zero constructive criticism.

[liam]

Hey Knox,
Eating disorders are nasty things and one of my college friends was actually forced to take a leave of absence to get treatment. While I don't know what they are like, I've seen a little bit of the effects they can have. Just do what you need to in order to stay in a good place mentally.

I cracked a bit under the stress during season 3, but that experience allowed me to deal with season 5, and know that doing All-Stars might have been too much for me. Just know yourself, recognize situations that could be harmful to you and take steps to try to avoid sliding into negative mental states when you feel that starting to happen.

We all love watching a good game, but really it's just an ORG, so whatever happens within the game, make sure you check in with yourself to make sure you're doing fine outside the game.

[knox]

Thanks Liam, that means a lot coming from you. Thanks for the support, I am in a good state of mind right now. I was mostly saying that stuff like that could really affect a person, especially when it comes to an eating disorder. A lot of people have eating disorders but they are dormant, it's something that settles within a person during the first two years of life and it only takes one thing to trigger it. You never know if a comment like the one Selena made could trigger someone into acting out their E.D.'s so that's why I think it's shitty and low of her to attack people for that.

But like you said, it IS just a game and I felt like I was in the wrong state of mind I would have to bow down. But right now I feel fine, or as fine as I can be. Henry/Thiago and even Dom are being super supportive so it makes me feel better about it all.

[knox]

EPISODE VII

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"This is the part where we slo-mo run into each other's arms"[/font]

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Holy mother of Jesus. The challenge is FINALLY done for, I have to say that I had a lot of time taking the lead and working on this. I normally take the back-seat in creative challenges, but I kind of realized that I shouldn't do that. After all, my major is marketing and I am pretty decent at coming up with ideas and execution. I am really proud of our final product.

I didn't tell anyone, because I am not very good, but my minor is graphic design, I never reveal that because I don't like people to think I am this mastermind at graphic design. Hell, I'm probably one of the three worst in my G.D. class so why bother telling people?

Anyways, I think the final product was worth it all, including the frustration with some members of the team doing virtually nothing. But whatever, if we do end losing I have to get the II because I did the majority of things besides like one image and some ideas.

On other news, me and Dominic keep getting close. I am starting to feel though, that it is mostly for game purposes for him, which I mean is to be expected because this IS a social game. I just need to remember that in Dom's mind it is ONLY a game and I cannot get attached to him.

Henry came up with a plan for when we lose. We are going to tell them we found the idol. I actually created a fake idol, after making sure it wasn't against the rules [Henry said it wasn't] and it looks kinda legit, actually. I even uploaded it to the same site most of Morgan's things are so it should be able to pass if we need it.

The plan is to use the idol as a bargaining chip to get Dom or Luca to jump to our side and vote out Selena. Mostly because I don't trust Selena when it comes to flipping, and I can't stand her. Also, telling them we have the idol would make them stop looking for it, and then we can be the ones who look for it. The clues are hard though, and I am very at a loss as to where to go with it.

Other than that, this July 4th has obviously put a big swamp on the whole game. AJ wanted to see if we could get all six of us on G-Hang together tonight and see if we could crack the code for the idols. I think it could be smart to have six minds working together on them, especially when there are no more clues to be added.

Right now I am about to get ready to go to a party and get plastered, then come online and do that idol hunt thing with the others. Oh, and hope we win this challenge.

[knox]

Thiago needs to stop treating me like I'm an idiot and talking down to me. It's getting old real fast.

[knox]

I'm having a very, very open conversation with Dominic about the game and everything going on. I hope I'm not foolish for trusting on him. I will post a conf about it tomorrow, right now I am just digging into it and seeing what goes. I'm very nervous about how genuine this could be.

[knox]

EPISODE VIII

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"Well porn logic says to join in..."[/font]

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Mark is gone. I am extremely sad about this, not only was he a great ally but he is a good friend and he went because he took a risk for our "side" and now we are down in numbers and we lost an idol and a great person. It is upsetting, but what all can we really do about it?

Me and Dominic had a very open conversation last night. We talked game, and personal life, and basically shared why stuff was the way it was. From what he says he is not keen on being part of the Queen's army, but I don't know how much I believe it. I want to believe it, I really, really do because I want to work with Dominic a lot. But... I don't know how much I can. I don't want to be a fool like Chase and Quincy who trusts Dom and gets screwed by it.

Gloria's warnings come to mind, he says the alliance wasn't a for sure thing until we made them do it. Which could be possible, except for the fact Gloria was telling me pre game about the alliance already... I don't know what to do or who to trust.

Thiago and Henry want to throw the challenge. I have to admit I am not too keen about it. Is it the smartest decision? Probably. But I don't think I want to do it. I mean I love AJ, but me and Cassie have barely talked game and I would be putting my life on the line for her. Thiago says we are gonna be 11th to 7th, and he might be really right but 7th to 10th is way better than pre-jury... I just don't want that at all. And it terrifies me because I feel I would be a target because of Selenagate.

Thiago is basically treating me like a child, he is talking down to me just because I said I was worried. My exact wording was "I am worried we are going to Tribal" which means I AM throwing the challenge, but I am worried about Tribal. It's not even stupid for me to be worried, I mean we have no idols or anything, so why wouldn't I be worried? I am having flashbacks of last season when everyone always made me feel like lesser than.

Is it really worth risking my game for someone like Cassie? Or is the chance of maybe being able to tie it up at merge is worth enough? I have to make this decision and see if I can figure it all out. I just don't want to go home, not right before the ~alleged~ merge...

[knox]

Healing:
Selena (HeyItsMeNYou621) is available 1:29 am
Online: 1h 42m

I love you Dan! You're the best ever <3 #TeamDanBB14 292d and 1h ago
Selena 1:29 am
I got your message.

Knox O Pompillio 1:29 am
hey

Selena 1:30 am
The way I said my comment was NOT meant to be
deragtory @ all.

Knox O Pompillio 1:30 am
alright, so... look we are getting personal and its just like just stupid from both of us

Selena 1:30 am
*derogatory
I agree that it is getting quite personal

Knox O Pompillio 1:31 am
honestly, I had nothing against you as a person outside of the game, i actually liked you, until you called me fat
you dont know this, but I have a really bad history with eating disorders

Selena 1:31 am
I was making a metaphorical reference when saying that.

Knox O Pompillio 1:31 am
that comment hit me REALLY hard
like it was a below the belt comment
and i know you didnt know

Knox O Pompillio 1:31 am
but the fact of the matter is, it hit me
that day i was in a good mood, but had i been in a shitty mood or upset already

Selena 1:32 am
Yes, and I am sorry for that because I didn't know. I had used it in a methaporical way.

Knox O Pompillio 1:32 am
it could have started the whole process again
and thats honestly why i got so angry, it was not even the fact you lied and didnt admit it, i mean yes that was pety and unecessary
but its the game
its JUST a game
and now things are personal
and the fact that people are seieng me as a bulyl upsets me a lot
I used to be a bully, in HS I was a piece of shuit
I have grown from that
and I promised myself that I would never do something like that again
and being called bully its just like it hits me too

Knox O Pompillio 1:33 am
this game is no longer fun
its too personal, and i just... idk i hate that it got like this

Selena 1:35 am
I have been bullied MY entire life by people that have be mean and rude. You don't think I feel like shit too. I am going through a lot of personal problems at home as many people can attest to especially Kirin and I was depressed as it was last night. Then you called me an imbecile in the challenge thread that made me feel like complete shit.

Knox O Pompillio 1:36 am
That was petty of me, honestly everyone was saying how funny it was and stuff so I kept it going. I'm sorry.

Selena 1:37 am
It hurt me too. I honestly was crying last night not because of it directly but it makes me feel like shit.
Other people find others misery funny.

Knox O Pompillio 1:37 am
they do, and I'm sorry I made you cry

Selena 1:38 am
It's fine and I am sorry for what I said. I really am because I am not the person to be a bitch even though somehow I can be portrayed to be one.

Knox O Pompillio 1:40 am
I'm the same way, its easy for people to portray me as a dick, but I am really not. I have some dickish moments but I ddon't do it to hurt people
and I took this too far
I don't care what happens in the game, if you insult me in the game then thats what it is "Knox and Selena" can be enemies, idgaf, but I don't want to hurt the person behind Selena as well

Selena 1:42 am
I honestly don't even want drama anymore. I just want to play the game.

Knox O Pompillio 1:42 am
yeah
I am genuinely sorry I hurt yo
you
I mean it

Selena 1:42 am
I am too and I totally mean it. I didn't try to be mean with my comments.

Knox O Pompillio 1:43 am
thank you, I appreciate the appology
lets just start over

Selena 1:43 am
No problem.

Knox O Pompillio 1:43 am
i mean obv im still gonna try to vote you out but it doesnt have to be personal

Selena 1:44 am
Oh as am I, but it's just a game so no worries.

Knox O Pompillio 1:44 am
alright
glad we talked

Selena 1:45 am
Yes, I am too.

Knox O Pompillio 1:45 am
well, have a good night

Selena 1:45 am
You too~

Selena (HeyItsMeNYou621) is available 1:46 am
I love you Dan! You're the best ever <3 #TeamDanBB14 292d and 2h ago

[knox]

EPISODE VIII

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"Well porn logic says to join in..."[/font]

[/center]

Last night was rough. It was definitively my darkest moment on this series, but luckily I am back on track and ready to play. I feel so bipolar about it, but what can you do?

The challenge last night was a bust, we were supposed to win, give AJ/Cassie immunity and then have them idol the fuck out of the Queen, Obviously it didn't happen because Dom/Luca got both AJ/Cassie out first. Now, thinking that they had given them the answers I stopped trying to look for images as I figured Ellen and them would just throw it. But the second Ellen got dq'd by yours truly mind you. They decided they didn't want to throw the challenge and they eliminated all of us and we lost. They gave Dom immunity because obviously he is the top dog of the alliance.

Obviously Dom didn't admit that they got fed answers, and maybe they weren't bu the way it went is way to weird to not be true. The fact they would allow us to lose when the Queen gets eliminated is also really sad, are they really that willing to give her the game?

Anyways, after we lost, Thiago basically told me he was voting for Luca and he didn't care about anything else and he was going to bed. I was fine with that because that means he was safe from rocks and Selena can go home. But I found it kinda bratty how he did that, kind of like what everyone criticized about me last season. Anyways the vote for us is Luca and the vote from the other side was supposed to vote for me.

After my fight with Selena though, I had a total mental break-down. I approached Dom to make sure they weren't voting for me so if I was still feeling vulnerable today [an emotion I absolutely despise] I could maybe bow down during rocks so Henry could continue in the game. I approached him as a friend, I made sure to point that out, but he said he thought I was doing it through strategy. It was very frustrating to me, when I have not lied to him and been very open about everything for him to think I was just playing him.

Whatever. I mean from what Henry said they were questioning him about what I was saying and all that. They were being cocks about the whole situation while I'm here having a melt-down. Luckily for me I have amazing friends and they pulled me out of it. AJ, Cassie and Henry all cheered me up on G-Hang and made me realize it's not that important and I am not a bully and a lot of stuff. I am forever grateful and in all honesty I feel like I owe those three because they pulled me out from a dark place to being normall cheerful me again. It kind of goes outside of the game too, it was just a good person doing something for another human being.

I also messaged Selena and asked her for us to talk, the conversation is up there in the last post before this one. And I feel better about the whole situation, hopefully she does too. In the game I do not trust or like Selena, but I have no problems with her outside of the game, she apologized and I think it was sincere. It made me happy.

Right now I am ready to pull rocks and see what the future has for me. Hopefully me, Henry and Thiago can all survive and go 5-5 into a possible merge. I already have a plan for the merge, for my own personal survival but first I have to make it. And hopefully I do.