Round 5

[aj]

I'm obviously upset right now, for a number of reasons. I had no idea that Cassie/Chase/Michael/Quincy were splitting the vote. Had I known this, I would have advised against it. Like how could they have fallen for that? Seriously? If I were on that tribe, I would have NEVER let them agree to that. Maybe I should have been more involved in their TC. That comment sounds so conceited. I'm sure that things are different when you're actually there and on the tribe. But still. That just seems like common sense? I guess I would have trusted Selena too, though.

Regarding that vote, I'm upset with Dominic mostly, though. How could he have done Chase wrong like that? Chase has put SO much trust into Dominic this game. I don't even know what's going on now, so I'm not going to make assumptions. But just like....ugh.



Who I'm most upset with though is Selena....Maybe upset isn't the right word. I'm just confused, taken back a little, and slightly disappointed. Not because of her vote, who she votes for is nothing I am worrying about.

But about an hour or so before votes were revealed, she came to me and told me she was really sorry, but the votes flipped, and Chase was going home.

I was obviously upset. I was honestly really, really sad. I kept thinking about how Chase hurt was going to be. Selena kept telling me how bad she felt, and how sorry she was. While I was really sad to hear this, I appreciated SO MUCH that Selena told me this. I just thought that her telling me this was being a really, really good friend. I thought she told me that to save me from being completely shocked when the vote was revealed. So while it was conspicuous that I was upset, I didn't argue her decision in the slightest, and instead I just made sure she knew how much I appreciated the fact that she told me. And she just kept saying no problem and she felt really bad.

I wanted so badly to tell Chase or Cassie, but I didn't. I told myself I wouldn't get involved with their TC, and I knew telling them would create a bigger mess. I wondered to myself if I was being a bad ally, because maybe there was still time for Chase to play the idol, and I wasn't telling him. But I just didn't want to make things crazy at the last minute. So I just kept quiet.

Well, votes were revealed, and Cassie told me Quincy was gone. I was confused how that happened anyways, but what made the whole situation even more bewildering for me was because Selena told me Chase was going. And so that's when it clicked. There could be only one reason Selena would tell me that; she knows Chase has the idol. I BET that Dominic told Selena to tell me that. He probably thought I'd have a big mouth and would run and tell Chase, and he'd waste the idol.

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT.

I just confronted Selena about it. Not in a mean and angry way or anything, but I asked her why she told me that. You know what her reason for doing that was?

Selena
I was only joking with you lolol

OH PLEASE. Seriously? I'm not THAT much of an idiot. She can't even own up to this now! I keep questioning why she felt she had to do that, and she is just posting a bunch of frown faces. I'm not even acting pissed. I'm just acting confused. Which is truly what I am! I'd really like her to explain herself. How is that funny to tell someone their biggest ally is going home? It'd be one thing if like Luca actually did get voted out and she told me Chase, because then that would be like "OMG YAY!" But the fact that Quincy got voted out and she told me Chase? It makes her lie EXTREMELY pointless. So obviously, she had a plan behind that.

I thought Selena and I were closer than that. I know this was small, but it made me lose a LOT of trust in her.

So I'm just disappointed.

[aj]

Tonight kind of sucked.



I hadn’t talked game with Thiago in a few days, and like I said in my confessional last round, I’ve been meaning to talk to him. Just so I can solidify his trust and all that. So earlier today, I sent him a message saying we should talk strategy tonight. And he said he wanted to talk to me about some things too. Usually these kind of messages kind of scare me, but I just thought he wanted to catch up too. So I was excited.

So he comes home, and I start off by asking him if Ellen has been trying to work him over or anything. He tells me another story about something that happened between him and Ellen, and literally as he was telling this story, I was thinking to myself, “Yeah, wow, he really does want Ellen out.”

Well, as soon as he finishes the story, he snaps. He told me he didn’t expect me to believe it, because I don’t believe his stories about Ellen. And he just kept going and going and going. And he didn’t stop. But basically he just called me out on everything:

He said he was really hurt that I doubted if he was being honest about his stories about Ellen. I know I did question that a few times, but at the end of the day, I said I believed him!! It was everyone else around me doubting it. LITERALLY, EVERYONE I ASKED! And of course I’m going to take into consideration what others were saying. But yeah, he’s wrong because I was the main one saying that I thought he was being honest. But I couldn’t even tell him that, because then I would be throwing like 3 or 4 other people under the bus. But yes, I admit that I did question his stories, too. That’s why I had to ask others what they thought. I mean how could I be sure? You just never know. I’d just rather be safe than sorry. But I feel bad that I hurt him by doubting that.

Then he said that he’s been questioning if I’ve been genuine. Which, I’ve explained before. I’m a genuine person. I’m not fake to people so I can get ahead in an online game. I don’t think I’ve even talked about this yet, but do you see how little I’ve talked to Ellen and Ben? That’s because I just think it’d be so fake since I know I’m voting them out. Maybe it’s a bad move to not be talking to them, to be honest. But I just think that’d be fake of me. But Thiago really doesn’t know me, so I can’t blame him for thinking that.

Then Thiago told me how shitty it was of me to tell everyone that I thought he had an idol, when I KNOW where it is. So I had to twist my story for this one around. I told him that I really thought he had it for awhile, and I apologized for making an assumption. Then he accused me of knowing where it is, because he knows as well. Which, I had to deny, because I have no idea how he would find that out. That’s something that’s seriously been kept on the DL. So I told him that I really didn’t know, therefore keeping that lie going. Ugh.

Then he said that he was hurt that he’d be the first one gone if Legatu lost. Which, like, sorry? Like what do you want me to say? He overplayed SO hard. That’s his fault! So that one I don’t really care about. But I just told him that it was never a done deal.

Then after all that, he told me he still wants to work with me. Which I somehow do believe. But like, ugh.

I guess I’m still having a hard time gathering my thoughts about all that. Like, I guess he’s just been building up his thoughts for the last few days, and then he just like, blew it out all at once. And he made me feel like shit, to be honest. I honestly don’t really even know what to say. I do appreciate him telling me all his concerns instead of talking behind my back about it. That is honestly really, really respectable. Especially since I guess I did the complete opposite. He does have a right to not think I’m genuine. And I do understand why he wouldn’t trust me anymore. But that’s why I was so scared, I guess. Because I knew he had a good reason to flip on me. If I were in his position, I’d honestly probably try to work with Ellen and Ben. So the fact he’s still willing to work with me is like, almost a second chance really. I don’t know. It was really just a LOT to take in and I’m still digesting everything he told me. I don’t know if I necessarily think I was wrong, honestly, but I definitely do feel shitty.

The other thing is like, I’ve been standing up for him so much on this new tribe. Knox told me to absolutely not trust Thiago, but yet, I still have been trying to. Mark said he wasn’t comfortable with Thiago, but I told Mark that I was and that I wanted to trust Thiago. So, I really have been trying to help Thiago on this new tribe. But it’s like, I can’t even tell him that because then he would know that Mark and Knox don’t trust him. ugh.



Cassie almost fucked everything up SO badly. I was talking to her while Thiago was telling me all this, so of course I was telling her everything Thiago was saying. I say in every confessional how I need to stop doing that, but I was just so overwhelmed that I literally just had to tell someone, and she was the only one there who I could tell. So we were just discussing the stuff he was saying. And then I made one HUGE mistake. And I should have known better, honestly. Because as SOON as I did this, I knew what would happen next. And I was right. It started with this comment from Thiago.

Thiago (23:40:59): pregame ellen told cassie that she was worried you didnt like her
Thiago (23:41:12): and then cassie went to you and siad ellen wants you out in all stars, and thats what started the whole thing
Thiago (23:41:31): and that it was an overexaggeration on cassie's part

So as soon as he said this, I was just like “LOL!” and told Cassie lightheartedly. And Cassie didn’t respond. So I was like, fuck. I knew she had already confronted him. And so I sent her another IM saying “DO NOT CONFRONT HIM” but it was too late.

I was SOOOO frustrated. Like, seriously? I had told her every part in this whole conversation, so she knew how badly it started out, but how we were moving forward and trusting each other. And she just blew it all.

Usually when things happen that piss me off, I don’t say anything about them. It’s mostly a “don’t cry over spilt milk” type of thing, where I just don’t like harping over whatever is already done, and I just want to move forward. (For example, I didn’t yell at Chase & Cassie for splitting the vote at that last judgement, because it was over and giving them shit about that would be pointless.)

But I was so pissed at Cassie for doing that, I seriously just snapped on her. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before, to anyone in my ORG career. Ever.

AJ (23:42:31): LOL THIAGO JUST BLAMED THIS WHOLE GAME ON YOU
koolio1414 (23:42:36): what?
AJ (23:42:45): he said you started AJ v. Ellen
AJ (23:42:55): no, i'm pretty sure she started that. sorry, thiago.
AJ (23:43:52): and dont confront him about that, please. lol.
AJ (23:44:21): JORDAN
koolio1414 (23:44:33): oops
AJ (23:44:36): ugh
koolio1414 (23:44:40): i did before you said not to
AJ (23:44:47): -______-
AJ (23:44:52): great
AJ (23:44:57): what exactly did you say?
AJ (23:45:06): omg
AJ (23:46:21): why wolud you do that
koolio1414 (23:46:27): because it pissed me off
koolio1414 (23:46:33): i'm sick of the AJ vs Ellen bullshit
koolio1414 (23:46:38): and to say that I started that?
koolio1414 (23:46:38): no
AJ (23:47:16): ugh
AJ (23:47:17): thanks
AJ (23:47:46): i've been telling you this whole convo with him
AJ (23:48:11): and now he just doesn't trust me again
AJ (23:48:12): so thanks
koolio1414 (23:48:50): i'm sorry
koolio1414 (23:48:55): i'm kind of sick of this game
AJ (23:49:07): i know, but like, after i told you ALL of that? now he knows i told you the whole thing
AJ (23:49:18): like, ALL this progress from him yelling at me and us making up, is just down the drain
koolio1414 (23:50:22): i'm sorry
AJ (23:50:51): it's whatever, i should have known.
koolio1414 (23:51:28): :-(

I could tell after that she felt really bad, so I just let it go. I overreacted. It’s just a game, and that was unnecessary of me.

The fact that I felt comfortable enough to snap at her like that shows how close we are. I am honestly so lucky to have an ally and friend like Cassie. There is no one else I can think of who I met through ORGs who I have a relationship with where I feel that comfortable.

Unless Thiago was faking it, which I really don’t think he would, he said it wasn’t a big deal and he wasn’t surprised. I hope he means that, because I would hate for such a small slip up on my part to cause him to lose all that trust in me.

So yeah, that was just crazy. All of that. Also, I told Mark the brief version of all of this. I really really wanted to tell Henry, but I decided it was probably just best to not say any of this to anyone else.

Ugh. We'll see what happens next...

[carly]

Hey babe, stop looking like me

Cassie's a bitch jk

<3 you both

[aj]

So this morning I got to talk to Mark a bit more. We talk every morning at the same time every day. It’s kind of cute, haha. Anyways, so I just updated him on the whole Thiago thing and everything else. I seriously trust him so much at this point. Recently, I’ve been telling him more than I tell anyone else in the game. It’s nice to have that person, because I just don’t feel like there’s anyone else at this point who I can tell everything to. Maybe Michael actually, but since he’s on the other tribe it’s not as helpful. But yeah, I just filled Mark in on everything. I really hope I didn’t say too much, but I don’t think I did.

Truthfully, as that whole Thiago thing was going on last night, I really wanted to go on Facebook and message Henry and say I needed him to come online right then because I was having a crisis. lol. But I just held back, because I figured it would turn into another situation of me talking and talking and Henry sitting there listening and not saying anything, but secretly analyzing it all in his head. And while I wanted to tell Knox because I knew he’d understand, he would use it all to make sure I would never trust Thiago again.



Anyways, so Mark and I talked a little about this upcoming Judgement. He really wants Ben out most. Thiago said the same thing last night. Which is just like, ugh. Ben is a big threat, I admit that of course. BUT I THINK ELLEN IS CONTROLLING THIS GAME!!!!! Mark and Thiago both think that Ben is sneaky, won’t talk to them, and just very cunning…And I guess I do agree. To be honest, I think it’s just like, an emotional thing for me. Even though Ben is probably against me in this game, I just love him so much. Even if he wants me out, it’ll make me really sad to vote him out. So idk. I’ll deal with that later, I guess. Later meaning like, 8 hours…

It makes sense why I would personally want Ellen out. And it makes sense why no one else would. It’s obvious. And I bet everyone is discussing that.

Mark like, really wanted to throw this challenge. Like, he kept hinting to me he wanted to throw it. But like I’ve said before, I just don’t throw challenges. I already suck enough, so there’s a good chance I’ll lose anyways. But I never actually throw. It’s just too risky. You NEVER know what might happen. Mark like, REALLY wants Ben out, and he wants to keep Chase/Cassie/Michael safe. And don’t get me wrong, I want those 3 to be safe too! But you know who else I want safe? ME. If something goes wrong at judgement because of a split vote and an idol, I’M GOING HOME!!!!!! I seriously do not want to risk that. Everyone else is fine throwing it because they know they’ll be safe!!! But not me!!!



Anyways, that’s really all that’s happened today so far. But I did want to talk about one other thing. Thiago made that one comment to me last night about Cassie's overexaggeration about the AJ v. Ellen. Here it is again:

Thiago (23:40:36): oh also
Thiago (23:40:45): quincy told me that ellen told him that apparntly
Thiago (23:40:59): pregame ellen told cassie that she was worried you didnt like her
Thiago (23:41:12): and then cassie went to you and siad ellen wants you out in all stars, and thats what started the whole thing
Thiago (23:41:31): and that it was an overexaggeration on cassie's part
Thiago (23:41:39): and i asked quincy how the hell ellen would knwo that
Thiago (23:41:44): and she said ben told her

I didn’t really think about what Thiago actually said last night, since that’s when Cassie went and confronted him and I had to deal with that. But this morning, I did think about it.



Before the game, Cassie told me multiple times about how Ellen would talk about how I need to go ASAP in All Stars otherwise I’ll win, how I need to be watched out for, and how she didn’t like some comments I made about her. Until Cassie told me these things, I never ever would have thought Ellen would be after me so strongly. I always thought Ellen and I had a really good relationship coming out of season 3.

So when Cassie told me these things pregame, I think it kind of shaped my thought process. It shaped the way I thought Ellen looked at me, and that’s what caused me to start putting a wall up when I talked to her.

At the end of the day, these things DID come out of Ellen’s mouth. So I really don't think that the rivalry is Cassie's fault, necessarily. I think she was just being a good friend and telling me what was being said about me. If anything, it was just my conscience that put this thought in my mind that Ellen was so hardcore after me.

The way Cassie has been freaking out about how much she hates this AJ v. Ellen thing, and particularly how frustrated she got with Thiago last night, maybe that makes it seem like she had a part in it? Maybe in the back of her head she is wondering if she did instigate it? I don't know. I’m not really trying to make a big deal out of it, because at the end of the day, I don’t care. But Cassie obviously does. I guess she never thought that she would be pulled into it the way she did. Now since she is seen to be on “my side,” she’s getting targeted for that.

And the whole part about Ben telling Ellen? Makes sense, because I remember the exact phone call where I told Ben. The funny thing is that we weren’t even talking strategy, but I just kind of slipped it into our conversation. I didn’t know he was actually analyzing that comment.

So, I don't really know. But I guess everything that happened pregame did turn out to be pretty significant. But it's mostly my fault.

[aj]

Well, last night was...interesting.

We lost immunity. And in all honesty, I didn't mind. Why?

BECAUSE I WON IMMUNITY!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this is the first individual immunity I've ever won in an ORG. I was seriously so happy!!!! Like, ME? IMMUNITY? Oh my gosh. I know I didn't necessarily do something grueling to get the immunity necklace, but I was still ecstatic. I was saying how scared I was to go home because of an idol and stuff if we lost, but now I was safe!!!! I had officially made the final 14 with Chase, Michael and Cassie!!! It felt amazing!!!!! Not going to lie, that was a pretty awesome 30 minutes.

Equally as awesome, since my win prevented Ellen or Ben from getting the necklace, we could go through with our split vote plan. This plan was formed within like, 3 minutes of the challenge results. It was nearly a done deal. This judgement was not going to be stressful because everyone knew what the plan was, and was in on it. No one was being difficult. Everyone was cool.



Well, except this guy. In the 30 minutes that happened from when results were posted until when results were being double checked, Ben went to work. He IMMEDIATELY started IMing me, asking me if he was going home. I told him I didn't know. I told him the honest truth; I would love for him to stay, but some others think he's a bigger threat. He kept going on and on about how he's not a threat. I asked him if he would vote for Ellen. He said that would be a waste if she has an idol. Then he starts throwing Thiago under the bus, saying that he's been sending Ellen all convos. (Which, I immediately went and told Thiago).

So yeah basically, Ben just kept campaigning to me. I felt like I was the only one he was talking to, but I'm not sure. Maybe he thinks I have a lot of power? Who knows.

I guess why I am most nervous about this conversation though, is just because like, I talked to him as if I were safe and it was a strong possibility he was leaving. It wasn't like I was being cocky and rude or anything, but I still talked as if I knew I had a ounce of power. I guess I shouldn't have been so hasty to start strategizing. But I mean, he wouldn't stop!!! And if I didn't answer his questions and address his concerns, it would look like I was just avoiding the topic. Which I didn't want to do, because he was clearly nervous.

But now, I am even more worried about the worst case scenario: Us losing, and Ben winning immunity. I was worried about it before, but after that conversation with him, I'm even more worried....I didn't give him like any information or anything, I didn't say anyone's name....But I'm still afraid he could just, use it as evidence that he was screwed without immunity? I don't know. Maybe I'm freaking out over nothing.

I also am glad I told Thiago the information Ben told me, but now Thiago is freaking out. He knows Ben wants him out. Last night I was honestly so tired and my head hurt and I could barely stay awake, so I just kept saying "it will be fine don't worry!!" over and over, because I was way too exhausted to rationalize why he was going to be fine (although this is always what Thiago needs).

So I don't know, just hoping for the best with results....

[aj]

Well, we won again! lol.

I'm not really concerned about all that stuff regarding Ben, anymore. Hopefully I don't need to be! I think it'll be fine for now, and him and I will probably just rehash it when we do end up at judgement (if he's not immune). But that's all stuff I'll address when the time comes.

Winning does feel nice of course. I'm happy for Cassie that she won immunity, but I'm really really sad that it worsens the odds of Chase and Michael making it out alive from this round. Once again, I'm going to stay out of it and hope for the best. I really don't want to overthink it, especially since I'm 98% sure that I am not going to like the result...Ugh. I just REALLY don't want Chase or Michael to go. I seriously love both of them SO much, and it'll like, hurt my heart if either one of them go lol. Chase is the best ally in the whole world and I love talking to him, and Michael is soooo sweet and it sucks if he leaves before we even got to play together ):

So no new thoughts, really. I guess I'm just a lot sadder than I thought I would be about their tribe going to judgement.....

[aj]

I thought I’d write about a few things that happened today as we await for judgement results.

The main thing was just Thiago randomly deciding that he wanted to make an official 5 person alliance with us, Henry, Knox and Mark.

Thiago (00:51:41): i think we need to make sometihng happen
Thiago (00:51:43): with us 5
AJ (00:52:03): Like an official alliance?
Thiago (00:52:10): i don't know but something
Thiago (00:52:19): i'm getting antsy
Thiago (00:52:26): i want to be a part of a friggen group
Thiago (00:52:34): this solo thing is running havoc on my nerves

I told him we could just do that when we go to judgement, but he said no because he didn’t feel like it was that genuine. So he said he talked to Henry about it, and he said Henry seemed okay with it although not super excited (but I think that’s just Henry’s personality lol). Thiago told me he me wanted to ask Knox and Mark because he didn’t feel as comfortable doing so.

I’ll probably elaborate more on this later once it’s officially official. It’s just funny to me, because all 5 of us are on the same page, we just haven’t made an official alliance. Mark, Henry, Knox and I are definitely solid, which we all know without talking as a group, just because we all trust each other. The problem is that Mark and especially Knox don’t trust Thiago 100%. So that’s where things get tricky.

So I asked Knox if he wanted to make this an official alliance, but I made sure he knew that it was Thiago that wanted it without like flat out saying that. But he figured out right away. So he told me to tell Thiago that he is hesitant about trusting him, but is open to the alliance. Anyways, I think they talked it out, and Knox is still a little wary, but is willing to work with him at least for short term. When I asked Mark, he kind of said the same thing; he wants to work together, but doesn’t know about anything long term.

Anyways, I don’t think making an official alliance was necessary, we’re all on the same page anyways so no one really wanted it except Thiago. So I kind of just did it to appease him honestly. So to be honest, I don’t think much progress was made today in terms of forming a group…It’s kind of the same where it’s always been. At least to me. Maybe Thiago feels better idk.

Anyways, that’s basically it. Another small thing is that I am really getting tired of people on my tribe asking me “So any idea of what’s happening at the other tribe’s judgement?” Literally I feel like so many people ask me that each round and it’s getting super annoying. That’s all.