Round 4

[aj]

Tonight has been the worst night in the game so far.

New tribes night is supposed to be fun and exciting, right? Meeting the new people, reconnecting with the old, and just celebrating new start.

Nope, not at all. I’m just having a terrible night. I literally just signed off AIM because I was so upset. Well, I was about to sign off. I said goodnight to everyone, but then Luca told me not to go. So I went invisible and I’m only talking to him. I seriously love Luca so much.

I just feel so fucking terrible because of what happened last round. Legatu was safe from judgement, and so I should have just got off the computer and enjoyed the day off. I don’t know what got into me. But all I did was fuck up everything. Because of one comment from Chase about how we need to get Selena and Knox on the same page, I got way, way way too involved. And now I am in a huge mess. I’m in a huge mess in this game, and I’m also an internal mess because I feel so bad.

What’s making everything worse is that like, I have no one to talk to about it. Chase is gone for the night, and I really wish he wasn’t because I’m upset and need to talk to someone. I seriously almost just wanted to confess to Luca and tell him everything. But I don't know if that'd be good or bad. I mean probably good considering half my new tribe knows about what happened, so Luca is bound to find out soon. But I really can't bring myself to admit it to him. I just feel SO bad. Luca is seriously being so sweet to me. I can’t believe I tried to get him voted out. That was so low of me. He keeps telling me how he wanted to be on my tribe, and he almost got voted out last round and he was so upset but he’s glad to still be here…..Ugh. I feel SO bad.

Anyways, I guess I’ll just go through all of my new tribemates.



Ben and I have barely talked this whole game. Like we’ve said close to nothing to each other. We talked a tiny bit tonight, but nothing really much. But he was still being super sweet like always. So I don’t know what’s going to happen with us in this game; I have NO idea where his head is at or anything. But regardless, Ben will always have a special place in my heart. I seriously love him soooo much. He’s one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, and that’s no exaggeration. I feel privileged to even have him as a friend.



Ugh, awkward already. Ellen is always sweet, but I know how she feels about me, and she knows how I feel about her. It’s not like I’m pretending to be nice, and I know she isn’t either because she really is a nice person. But it’s like, we both are so skeptical of each other and we know what the other one is really thinking in terms of game. It sucks. I wish so badly that we could just align, but I just feel like we’d always doubt each other. The convo got awkward real quick when she brought up the last vote.

Ellen Engelhardt (23:46:57): I'm glad really... just between you and me, I have felt this kind of ominous feeling like I'm being targeted behind the scenes
Ellen Engelhardt (23:48:00):
AJ (23:49:41): yeah that's definitely understandable, obviously everyone knows you're an amazing player
AJ (23:49:49): but i guess in a way everyone here is a good player in their own way
AJ (23:49:53): that's why we're here!
Ellen Engelhardt (23:50:00): it feels a little more personal than that but I see what you're saying!
Ellen Engelhardt (23:50:24): It wouldn't be All Stars without threats
AJ (23:52:22): i'm sure you would have been safe without immunity. haha. but i guess you never know
Ellen Engelhardt (23:53:14): Idk lol, Luca almost left because someone was pushing from behind the scenes

Ugh =/



I am SOOOOO glad Henry is on my new tribe. I would definitely say I trust him most, but that’s honestly not saying a lot because I don’t trust him completely. I’m just going to put most of my trust in him for now, though, and hope for the best. It’s really my only option. We didn’t get to talk much tonight, but hopefully we’ll be able to figure out a plan. Also, I’ll have to pretend to be super paranoid about Thiago having an idol -_____- But that seems like nothing now, with all this new stuff arising.



I FEEL SO BAD!!!!!!! Ugh, this is so terrible. It’s just SO awkward, because it’s like, we both know what happened with him and Chase talking to each other, and Chase telling me everything he said, and Knox getting mad about that….But me and Knox never talked about it, so it’s just like, weird now. Ugh. I still love Knox, just because I’ve known him for a while and I know he’s a sweet person. But I’m just having a lot of trouble with him in this game. He’s very, very hard to talk to because he’s so one wordy. I know part of that is because he’s kind of upset with me, but still, even when we’re talking on completely normal terms, he’s one wordy. And I honestly don’t know what else to say to him. ): Once again, awkward convo:

AJ (23:50:06): congrats on surviving the last vote
Knox O Pompillio (23:50:44): :-\
Knox O Pompillio (23:50:45): thanks
AJ (23:51:40): is everything okay? you seem kind of down
Knox O Pompillio (23:53:10): im sad about the last vote
AJ (23:53:59): Oh I'm so sorry. I have no idea what happened honestly =/
Knox O Pompillio (23:54:14): its okay, i just need to not listen to people

I wonder if he thinks I like, tried to sabotage him. Because I was pushing Selena so hard to vote out Luca, and then she didn’t. I wonder if Knox thinks it was some evil plan of mine =/



I do really like Mark and I think I’ll be able to trust him. We didn’t really get to talk tonight though. It’s hard for me to see where my relationship will go with him, but I do think that we’ll be able to stick together and trust each other on this tribe. I really just don’t know, though. Every time I’m talking to him, he always randomly disappears…



Ugh. Thiago seems excited we’re on the same tribe together. I do trust him for now, but I do know he’s reuniting with some of his old friends, which could be dangerous. I’m like seriously on the borderline of losing his trust though.

Thiago (23:43:11): actually talking to knox right now
Thiago (23:44:57): he said he didnt want to vote luca but he did and now he regrets it and ellen/luca are upset
Thiago (23:45:03): i'm feeling kinda bad for him
Thiago (23:45:45): but he's being vague as per the details
Thiago (23:45:57): he just says "people got involved" and selena backstabbed him
Thiago (23:48:26): he said people from our tribe told him that he had to vote for luca
Thiago (23:48:32): do you know who?? wtf
AJ (23:48:41): no, weird.......
Thiago (23:48:43): he won't give names

Oh my gosh. If Knox tells Thiago that it was Chase and I, I am so done!!!!! I feel so bad, seriously.



She didn’t respond to me at all tonight. So I don’t even know. She said this morning that she wanted to be on a tribe with me, but I think that was just kind of like just saying it to make sure she’s on my good side. So I really don’t know at all at this point.

So yeah, I’m not off to a great start on this tribe. I really miss Chase already, even though he doesn’t know when to close his mouth sometimes, I love him so much and he’s the best ally I could possibly have. It’s just so nice to have to that person you can trust 100%. But it’s whatever. I’ll have to deal without him.

I don’t think I’m like, completely screwed. I think I still have Henry and Mark on my side. But we’ll see what happens. If I go home, it’s totally my doing. I, 100%, dug my own grave, and I’ll have no one to blame but myself.

I miss my old tribe already.



Bye, old Legatu. It was a fun week.

[aj]

After sleeping over everything, I still feel really, really bad. I should have never gone after Luca like that.

Hopefully I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it really is. Hopefully Chase is taking more heat for this than I am. I think he pushed Knox a lot harder than I pushed Selena. And at the end of the day, Selena never even listened to me, so I mean, I guess I can use that to support my argument.

What's killing me is that I just really want to tell everything to someone so they know where I'm at. It's really hard, no one really understands my position in the game right now besides Chase, and he's on the other tribe so that doesn't help. So it'd be really nice if someone understood where I'm at, and why I'm struggling on this tribe. I'm pretty close to telling Henry everything, but I don't know if that'd help anything.



I think my best move at this point would be to clear the air with Knox. It's awkward because I guess we both know what happened, but we never spoke once about it. It's still risky telling everything to him, because he could easily go back and tell everything to Ellen and anyone else...But if I just really convince him that I'm sorry for whatever happened I truly do want to move forward in this game with him, maybe he'll trust me. That would be a great start, because then I won't have to worry as much about the information running around to everyone else.

I'm just really worried about doing that though. It could seriously blow up in my face. Is a better move for me to literally not say anything to anyone? Or do I need to take this risk and tell Knox everything? I really don't know.

[aj]

I know I keep harping on this, but I seriously can't believe that one conversation turned out to be such a huge mess. I'm just so frustrated with myself for letting this happen. ):

I think what's really killing me is that when I lose this game, it's going to look like it's because I targeted Luca.

I honestly wasn't trying to target him. I really, truly wasn't. I told Selena it would be a good move for her, but I'd really be fine either way. Chase is the one who really pushed the whole thing. But I listened to him. Ugh. I guess essentially I did target Luca by listening to Chase, but it really wasn't intentional. I want to play this game with Luca SO badly. I feel like it's my last chance. We probably won't ever be in an ORG together again.

I guess part of the reason I feel like this isn't my fault is because, Selena didn't tell anyone anything. Only Knox did. And I literally did not talk to Knox one time. Knox knew that Chase told me everything he said, but Chase is the only one who talked to Knox. And as far as I know, Knox is the only one telling people about this. So why am I getting so much heat for this?

I could just deny deny deny, but I don't think anyone would believe me, unless I said straight up it was Chase. And I don't want to throw Chase under the bus like that.

I SERIOUSLY HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cassie told me something interesting today;

Cassie🍟
but Quincy approached me last night
apparently Luca said that someone told him that someone from Legatu was campaigning against him last round
and he said that he thinks it is you

So I ended up just spilling EVERYTHING to her. I literally told her the whole story. I'm glad, it was really nice to get that off my chest, I just hope I can trust her with all that information

Selena is upset because Dominic said to her "You told AJ all of this", etc. AND I NEVER TOLD DOMINIC ANYTHING!!!!! It was all Chase =/

I've been trying to bond with Knox this afternoon. I told him I need to Skype with him. I seriously just have to tell him everything. If I don't, I'm never going to get through this.

Oh, also, Wendy offered me a final 2 alliance. Random as hell. There was no basis for it either. I wonder if she does that to everyone.

Sorry this is such a sporadic confessional. But that's how today has been, I guess.

[aj]

I just had a long Skype chat with Knox. And I am feeling 100 times better.

I've said how he's hard to talk to on AIM, but on Skype it's the complete opposite. He's SO easy to talk to and he's just the sweetest person ever. Ugh, I love him so much. We talked a lot about just random stuff, and then we brought up game. He told me about the last vote, and didn't make it seem like I was a factor at all. I told him how worried I was about how my name was being spread around and stuff, and how I truly wasn't trying to get Luca voted out. He said that it was mostly Chase, Mark and a few others. And he agreed how like, since him and I didn't even talk last round, there is no way I could have convinced him to vote for Luca. So I just feel so much better and I'm so glad we talked. Honestly, I was really nervous before the conversation. But now I'm just relieved. I definitely blew the whole thing out of proportion. I thought like, everyone was blaming me, and everyone was out to get me because of it. But after talking to Knox, I now realize that the only reason people suggested me was because apparently I have this reputation of being "connected' with a lot of people. Which isn't good, but I'm glad they're not assuming that because of a few comments I made to Selena. And at least that confirms that people aren't hearing things about me from Dominic and Knox.

He told me a lot of other information too. He said his old tribe saw the game as AJ/Cassie v. Ellen/Dominic. Which is kind of annoying, but it's whatever. We just talked a lot about our opinions about everyone. Knox is so easy to talk to, it's so great. And I definitely feel like I can trust him now.

We talked about upcoming Judgement, and how we both trust Henry and Mark. We don't know exactly what we're going to do, but we've discussed flushing Ellen's idol. But we haven't discussed details or anything yet.

But yeah, I'm just SO glad I talked to him. I just feel so much better. He's so great. Now I can move forward from here.

Other than that, nothing new to report other than Chase telling Cassie about the idol. I told him he should, because I feel like it would really cement the trust between them. As soon as I told him to tell her though, I got super nervous. Was that the right decision? What if she tries to blindside him? Or tells other people he has it? I'm nervous, but I don't want to tell Chase I'm nervous. I hope so badly it was the right decision.

Chase told me that him and Cassie just discussed if they should tell me about it or not. LMAO! So perfect. And they decided they should tell me. So now, I can be honest with Cassie about who has the idol and not pretend I don't know anymore.

Today definitely started out terrible, but it ended really well.

[aj]

With all my concerns about the whole me targeting Luca thing gone, I can now confidently move forward in the game, and focus on other issues. WHAT A RELIEF!!

Not that the other issues aren’t particularly alarming as well, but they’re much easier to address and tackle.

I kind of touched on this in my last confessional, but now I can elaborate on the biggest current issue in this game: AJ & Cassie v. Ellen & Dominic.



It’s just ridiculous. Yes, this whole game I have been scared out of my mind of Ellen. I admit that. Yes, if she left the game I’d be happy because then my biggest personal threat would be gone. Yes, she needs to go ASAP or she’ll win the whole thing.

BUT, I have not once actively campaigned against her, for 2 reasons. #1, she hasn’t even been on my tribe, and #2, she’s been freaking immune the whole time!!! There is no logical reason for me to campaign against her. So whoever started this rumor that I want her out, it was purely based on assumption.

I’ve also had multiple people say something about how I “hate” Ellen. I NEVER use the word hate to describe how I feel about anyone. Never. So that was 100% made up as well. And I really like Ellen as a person. Like, I would love to hang out with her if I lived in Iowa. Me wanting her out of GvsE is 100% game.

Also, I obviously understand why Cassie is automatically associated with me, but I don’t think she should be brought into the whole “against Ellen” thing. Her and Ellen are friends!! They talk quite a bit, as far as I know. Also, is everyone forgetting she chose Ellen and Dominic over me in season 3?? She’ll do it again!!!



Dominic has been kind of ugh lately. He hasn’t talked to me since the new tribes. Also, he’s told me so many times how Ellen has to go and how she’ll run this game. But he’s like, working so close to her. He told me he doesn’t even know if he can vote her out! And then he gets mad when he’s associated with her. Like I’m sorry but he’s not doing a good job distancing himself from her. I truly can respect the fact that he wants to be loyal to her, especially after what she did to him in season 3. I think that makes him a good friend. But like, he could just admit that he wants to stick with her…I don’t like how he’s telling me different things if he doesn’t mean them. He’s done a lot of other things too, that I really don’t know much about, but stuff along the lines of telling people things Chase told him, and telling people about Mark’s idol. Like come on, we JUST formed the Mac D’s. Can we not fall apart this quickly?



Mark and I have been talking all morning. He’s revealed to me a lot of information. Mostly about this rumored Ellen alliance, and just a lot of other stuff. And I’ve told him a lot of things as well, just about everything. Maybe a little too much. I trust him a lot with not much of a basis other than our closeness to Chase. I like, really really trust him though. And we’re definitely on the same page about everything.



The person who I do need to shut up though to is Cassie. I remember saying in my pregame that my downfall is going to be spilling too much information with her. Back on old Legatu, I was good at withholding information from her. But now I’m back to just telling her everything without thinking first. And I need to stop! I already regret telling her that Chase tried to get Knox to vote for Luca, and that I was talking to Selena. Cassie talks a lot too, and I don’t trust her to not tell other people the stuff I’m saying. And I know that she doesn’t tell me everything either.

So things aren’t going GREAT right now, but they aren’t terrible either. I trust Mark and Knox a lot, and I trust Henry and Thiago a fair amount. But you can just never be sure of anything.

But one thing that IS for sure is that with an immunity necklace and 2 HII’s, this upcoming judgement is going to be nuts.

[aj]

WE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I literally cannot express how happy I am!!!!!! OMG. I AM SOOOOOOO HAPPY SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a rollercoaster of a round!!!! Started out absolutely terrible, and now it's so great.

A couple things did happen this afternoon though that I wanted to address:



Henry and I talked for a while. Sometimes I just really question myself when I am talking to him, because I literally say about twice if not 3 times amount that he says. So I am telling him SO much and he isn't giving much back. If he were more talkative, I would tell him even more information actually. I still do trust him though. I really have no choice at this point. So I just hope he knows I'm being totally honest with him, and I really am putting a LOT of trust in him. He could screw me over so easily at this point.

We talked a bit about possible scenarios for this upcoming judgement. Like I said before, I just always like to have a plan for judgement, so I'm not freaking out once we are officially there. And then when we win, it feels even better!!! =] But yeah, we came up with a rough plan that if Ellen had immunity, we could do some sort of split vote or something to flush the idol. We don't have the details worked out, but it's pretty promising so far.



Basically, after talking to Henry, Knox and Mark for the past day, I've come to realize that all 4 of us are good with working with each other, at least for short term. We haven't all talked together or anything, but everyone seems to be good with this. And they all believe that we could get Wendy to vote our way.



The real wildcard is Thiago though. And this is really tricky for me. Knox doesn't trust Thiago at all. Mark is willing to work with him, but doesn't trust him. I'm not really sure what Henry thinks, but I think he's open to working with Thiago? But obviously doesn't trust him 100%. I've mentioned to all of them how Thiago has said negative things about Ellen, but they see a possibility that it could all be fake. Knox and Mark especially think that Thiago is still closely working with Ellen.

Well, honestly….I believe Thiago. I truly think he is telling the truth about all this shit he’s told me about Ellen. He’s still saying Ellen has to go and her posse needs to be broken up. Maybe this is where my naivety comes in, but I really think he’s being honest. Maybe I think that just because I want to believe him SO badly. I have to be careful though. I haven’t told him anything about what anyone else is saying, or possible plans for next judgement. And it’s killing me, because I NEED to talk to him.

BUT I JUST DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!! Everyone is so skeptical of him in this game. What if him and Ellen have this super power alliance they are hiding so well?? Knox says that anything I tell Thiago, he’ll just go back and tell Ellen. And he very well might be right. But I feel like I want to take this risk with Thiago. If I open up to him and tell him everything, maybe he’ll take the next step with me. Him and I talk a lot, but when it comes to strategy, I feel like we both kind of keep a distance from each other. And I want to break that barrier. I know I’ve talked so much about how I’m so scared of him, and how he’s one of the biggest threats in this game. But I think he’s a threat I want to move forward with. He just told me this:

Thiago
but no one is really talking
9:34 PM
Thiago
i feel like it's still like when i was on legatu
9:34 PM
Thiago
no one was saying names or thinking ahead
9:34 PM
Thiago
or at least i wasn't involved in any of those discussions

I’d really like to know, does he truly believe this?? Does he really think no one strategized for an entire week? And that we all are avoiding strategy on our new tribes? There’s no way he could think that….Is there? Ugh, this is the thing with him. I truly just don’t know. I want to believe he’s been honest with me this whole time sooooo badly. I just want to like, spill everything to him. But it’s such a risk. If I do that, I could fuck up everything for me, Henry, Knox and Mark. But if I succeed in securing Thiago on our side, it puts us in a really, really good position. Knox said that we shouldn't tell Thiago anything, but I don't know how I feel about alienating him like that. Building a bond with Thiago has been a long process, and if I were to participate in putting him in the dark like that, I feel like him and I would be back to square 1.

Luckily, with us safe for another round, I have some more time to figure this out.



This is kind of random, but I realized that I never followed up on my relationship with Selena. I thought she was so mad at me and I lost all her trust because I told Chase what she told me about Dominic, and Chase told Dominic and Dominic confronted Selena...Literally a circle. I thought she was SO pissed about that. I think she was upset, but I don't think she actually knew that Chase was the one who told Dominic...So she doesn't know how that got around. Regardless of all that though, we are back on good terms. Trusting each other and all. She's honestly an amazing person and I'm SO lucky to have such a loyal ally.

I'm obviously extremely nervous about Proelia's TC. I will seriously be SO sad if Chase goes home. I really don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where Dominic and Selena stand. I heard Colleen is "flipping", whatever that means. But I am truly NOT going to get involved in the slightest. I'd love to know what's going on, but I am not going to talk to a single person, or prod anyone about it. I'm just going to sit on the side and hope it goes well. I don't want to risk getting into a situation like last time in the slightest.