Round 15: Finale

[aj]

Well, I made the final 3.

And I never though it could possibly feel this shitty.

Thiago even told me last night: “I’ve never seen someone so upset to make the final 3.”

It just sucks. Voting out Cassie might have been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in the game. Based on the jury reaction in the judgement results thread, I do think I made the right decision….But then maybe that’s why it will be the wrong decision; because I sent her home, and the jury doesn’t approve of me doing that.

I just feel like the worst friend in the whole world. I chose the slim possibility winning an online game over sharing a moment with my best friend. Like, how shitty of me. I seriously can’t put into words how awful I feel about it.

Of course I didn’t expect her to be very happy with me. But I thought she’d understand, since she voted me out for the same reason in season 3. And I mean if I’m being honest, I don’t think I did anything wrong. It was seriously a purely strategic move. Just like it was for Ryan in season 3, and I understood. But when the roles are reversed and I make the move, it seems “wrong.”

I can’t say yet if I regret this or not, but I am fairly certain that in a year or maybe even a few months, I will regret it. Which is also not really good of me to say, because that just makes Thiago feel hurt. Thiago has a point; if I kept Cassie in the game, it would have been insulting to Ben, Dominic, Henry and Thiago. Because I was willing to discard them, even though they’re my friends, but not Cassie. I mean, yeah Cassie and I have a really special 5-year friendship. But I have personal reasons for why I shouldn’t have voted out the others, too. And it’s not right for me to put personal reasons for one person over those for another.

Regardless, that doesn’t change the fact that I feel absolutely awful for doing that to her. And if I lost Cassie’s friendship over this, I’ll regret this for a really long time.

I am feeling so defeated. I’ve been in the finals twice before. The first time was 5 years ago (iSurv1vor) and the second time was 4 years ago (BB Prime). I can’t help but reflect back on those. Both those times, I was so excited to make the final 2, and I did it with a friend. Neither of the jury Q&A’s were too bad at all, but I remember that the BB Prime electorate was NOT happy that Jordan and I made the final 2. But yet, in both games, I enjoyed answering the final questions. I answered them calmly and efficiently. I remember one person in BB Prime making me feel like shit for a few minutes, but I quickly moved on and they ended up voting me to win.

Cassie and I look back on BB Prime often (probably too often) and smile and laugh and reminisce on everything. It’s like those were our “good ol’ days.” And it’s safe to say that this game won’t be like that for us, which makes me really sad.

But it’s my fault.

What I’m trying to say is that, when I was 13-14 years old, I didn’t care. I did what I wanted, and I didn’t feel bad about it. I still made friends, and of course it sucked to vote them out, but I got over it, and somehow was able to continue those friendships after. I played the games hard, and felt little remorse about it.

Now, 4 years later, I’m like a different person. I’m overly sensitive, and things people tell me affect me a lot. I care about every single person’s opinion of me. I’m scared out of my mind about the jury questioning, and I honestly don’t know if I’ll have the emotional strength to get through it. I don’t know what I’m going to say to anybody. I’m just going to get beaten down, like I did through this entire game.

I told Thiago this last night. He told me that I’m at that point where I’m old enough to have mature conversations and deeper relationships with people, but I’m still generally immature, and I care too much about what people think. And he’s definitely right. But it just sucks. Thiago and Knox are so proud to have made the finals. I wish I could feel the same way. But I don’t. I feel like I’m being perceived as a ruthless, cold-hearted bitch who doesn’t care about anyone. I just feel so disliked, which I'm not used to. I know I sound SO immature right now, but I’m just being 100% honest; I’m not used to feeling disliked. And I guess I don’t know how to handle it, which I admit comes from a lack of life experience. But that’s why this is affecting me so much. I’m not used to this. And I don’t know how to get through it.

I’m sorry this confessional has very little to do with the game. I just needed a place to write out my thoughts. It’s been a really tough morning for me because I can’t stop thinking about how bad I feel for voting out Cassie. I know I should be writing my opening statement instead of writing this. But like, I’m just really sad.

[aj]

I can't believe I'm still writing in here...

Cassie sent me the sweetest text earlier. She's upset in the context of the game, but things are completely normal between us otherwise. It's honestly such a relief. I mean, I knew this game wouldn't affect our friendship, but I didn't expect things to go back to normal this quickly. It's just really nice to be on these terms again, and not feel awkward when we're both on the board or on AIM at the same time, and not pick up my phone to text her and then put my phone down because I remember we're not on good terms. Everything is fine now, which is amazing.

Opening statements...oh boy lol. Thiago had a really strong opening statement. Like wow. He completely owned Knox and I, in my opinion. He's a great writer and a great debater, and made solid points. I was annoyed that he said "I convinced AJ to vote out Cassie" because that was not the case; I made that decision on my own. However, was that decision subconsciously because I didn't think he'd have as much jury support as Cassie? Possibly. So maybe indirectly he convinced me...But not directly.

Admittedly, it is frustrating that I fell for his tactics so much, but it's totally my fault because I should have known better. He made himself seem so unlikeable. I should have caught on to all that, but that's definitely part of my naivety. Looking back, I remember Henry saying that he thought it was all an act. Henry is SO smart. I'm not.

I still think Cassie would have destroyed Knox and I in the finals, so it's not like I regret taking Thiago necessarily. Knox and I would be in this same situation either way. But Knox still has a chance to win this. Me on the other hand, I don't know. I mean, I know none of the jurors have said anything yet, but it's just a gut feeling I have.

A lot of that feeling is based off the view counts of our threads. I know that may seem silly, but I find it very significant.





I know the opening statements one shouldn't be a big deal, but Thiago posted his after mine and he has more views. The Rites of Passage though....Like, I really believe that this is evidence that generally, people don't care what I have to say. And if that's the case, i'm not going to win.

If we had another round and there was going to be a final 2, I'd be golden lmao. Thiago and Knox are both talking to me about their frustration with each other. Knox "disliked" Thiago's opening statement lmao and I guess that didn't go over too well. Not a big deal, just something for me to giggle about from the side.

Like I said earlier, I am scared out of my mind for the jury Q&A, however I have a better attitude about it now. I'm just going to take their criticism and spill out my thoughts and rebuttal. I mean there's really not a lot I can do, is there? So I'm just going to stay strong and be honest.

[aj]

I know no one cares what I have to say, so I'm just going to talk to myself in my confessional. This final judgement is pretty brutal. Knox and I are getting beat. Like this is tough!!! Not that I expected it to be any different, of course. But now that it's happening, it's taking its toll.

Honestly though, I'm handling myself a lot better than I ever thought I would. What Mark and especially Cassie said was tough to hear, but I responded and got through it. I know there are still 5 more jurors left to speak, but I honestly don't know how much worse this can get. I don't mean that like "OMG THIS IS SO TERRIBLE I'M AT MY LOWEST POINT." I mean like, I feel like I'm just going to be repeating myself over and over.

The 100% honest truth is, I played the best game I could under the circumstances. However, when you're in a situation where there are two distinct sides, there's not much you can do. I'm having trouble of thinking of things to say. I feel so stupid admitting this, but I'm just being honest. I want to win this game, and I'm doing everything I can to show that. But I just don't have a lot to say to prove that I'm worthy other than that I overcame a lot of odds. Thiago had such a unique strategy, and Knox has such an inspiring story. What do I have?

What's funny is that I bet that Henry, Cassie or Thiago could come up with a better jury argument for myself than I can.

It's hard though, because the things I'm getting critiqued for are things that I couldn't really control....Like how emotional I was, and how I supposedly "used" friendships. Like, I can't help that I feel bad about voting people out. And I can't help that I came into this game with a lot of friends. I can't help that I was bothered when I was told that Ellen was talking crap about me. No one is asking me about my decisions I actually made in the game.

Maybe they don't think I made any....

Thiago is absolutely destroying me in this questioning, like I expected. However, I now realize how incredibly blinded I was by him. He completely misted me in the last couple rounds of this game. But what was really masterful was that he misted me indirectly. I didn't see it at all. (which isn't surprising because I'm so naive). I'm not going to lie though, it does hurt. Because I wonder how much he was still playing the game in the final days, when we would go into google hangout calls and I would just pour my heart to him. However, I am probably the last person on this cast who has a right to be hurt about anything. So I shouldn't be complaining. He was playing the game, and he did it well. It's my fault for letting that slip past me. I really am just jealous because I wish I were as smart as him.

Other than that, nothing really. Just realizing how Knox and I are clearly the underdogs in this. I hope the jurors will at least consider what we're saying. I know we're emotional and sensitive, but we still played hard.

On a positive note, Henry and Cassie sent me encouraging messages today, which I appreciated a lot. I don't expect their votes, but the fact that they're telling me to stay positive through this is just very sweet and I love them both for that.

[aj]

Final TC update:

I have answered all questions, and I am feeling pretty good. I don't mean that I'm confident that I'm going to win, but I am finding myself very content with my answers. I have a very positive attitude about the whole situation. I really thought that this whole process was going to wear me down and make me feel like shit, but surprisingly, I'm feeling pretty good.

I still do feel like Thiago is destroying me in these questions, but he's just an amazing speaker and very good at getting his point across. However, considering what tough competition I have, I think I am doing a good job at holding my own in this Q&A. Their questions were tough, especially the personal ones.

I would have to say Mark's comments/questions hurt me the most, however, they also helped me the most. After reading what he told me, I made sure to "own it." I started being a lot more confident in my answers, and not being as sorry about it. And I'm glad I did that!

My video to Henry was completely embarrassing, and I'm honestly very nervous what he will think about it. However, Cassie and Dominic both told me they loved it, which made me happy <3 As long as I could make 1 person smile, I'm fine! By the way, Knox's video has got to be the CUTEST thing I've ever seen. I love him so much lol.

So we'll see how these final days play out!

[aj]

Closing statements have been posted, now there's only one thing left to do: Wait.

It's an absolute huge relief that this is over, to be honest. This game was so stressful lol.

This is kind of dorky, but it feels really weird not to be awaiting for an immunity challenge or planning the next vote with JABBA. Haha, I'm just so used to it at this point! It's weird that this game is seriously like, almost over.

If I win this game, I will be soooo happy and excited. Same if Knox wins, I'll be super happy for him, I know how bad he wants it and I personally think he'd be a very deserving winner. But I think Thiago has this in the bag. I do think he deserves it, and it's well-earned. However I just have to be honest and say that I probably won't feel fully happy for him for a few days after the finale, just because I'm still a little hurt. I know that's not warranted, and I need to get over it and accept that I got fooled. But I'm just being honest in how I feel.

I went back and read my entire confessional last night. Looking back on everything as a whole, my entire confessional is basically my emotions. I seriously think I wrote more about my emotions than I did about the game. i think this will be pretty humiliating for me to look back on someday. But it is what it is.

I'll probably post one last thing tomorrow before the finale.