Round 14

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Wowowowowowow, we did it. JABBA did it. We made the final 5. Is this real life? Well no, because it’s an ORG. Regardless, this is incredible. I’m so proud of the 5 of us. I’ve seriously enjoyed working with all of them SO much through this whole game. Like I honestly think that they’re the perfect allies. Super smart, always fun to talk to, but they also know it’s a game and not to take anything too seriously. They are like the best support system I could have ever asked for. I honestly could go on for a while about our group, and each one of them individually. I really feel like I have a unique relationship with each of them, which I treasure a lot.

However, it’s time to get to business.



Thiago played his idol on me at judgement, which was definitely a surprise. Haha. I had no idea why he did this, at first I assumed it was just to be nice, but then I wondered if it was some plan where he was going to tell Knox and Henry that I pressured him into playing it on me because I didn't trust them. lol. I really had no idea how to analyze his move. But I just went and thanked him enthusiastically, and he right away, he said:

5:38 PM
Thiago
Well there was a reason
It wasn't just for fun
We have to talk about it

DUN DUN DUN!!! I knew what was coming, since Cassie had already told me. But of course, I acted like it was the first time I was finding this out. So, he showed it to me; the screencap of Knox IMing him saying that he wants me gone at final 5. And then he went on to tell me how both Henry and Knox would beat all 3 of us, so the 3 of us need to go to the final 3 together for any of us to have a shot. And of course, I immediately agreed.

There are still things to consider, of course. For one, Henry could just go on an immunity run and win the final 2 challenges, and then win the game. I definitely haven’t dismissed that happening, I am just hoping it doesn’t.

Also, I’ve realized that I really am just not going to win this game. Henry and Knox will definitely beat Cassie/Thiago/myself, but if us 3 do make the final 3, I really think Cassie will win. Thiago is a great speaker, so I won’t be surprised if he makes a super strong argument and scrapes up enough votes. But at this point, if we do make the finals, I really think Cassie has this in the bag. No one is mad at her, and she ALWAYS has a great jury argument.

I have to wonder what Henry and Knox were thinking all this time, though. I don’t feel like they would have come to the final 5 with us if they didn’t have a final 3 plan. I guess they truly feel like Thiago will vote with them. Thiago said that Henry has been hinting at a final 3 with him and Knox this whole time, but he said Knox had never talked to him about it, so it was never official. So I guess Henry and Knox just really thought it would be easy to get Thiago to vote with them.

Ugh, voting out Henry or Knox this round will suck. I seriously love them both a lot. But the fact that they’re willing to vote me out is actually refreshing. Like, I know I can vote against them and not feel like a terrible person like I did for these last 2 votes.

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Nothing much happened yesterday after the talk I had with Thiago about final 3 and all that. We went on Google Hangout with Cassie to confirm everything and exchange notes and all. Thiago said that Henry definitely had been working on him, making sure they were still voting me out. Cassie said that Henry was working on her as well, and saying that she should talk with Knox. It seemed as if Henry was just making sure Thiago would vote me out, where as he was trying to get Cassie to commit to a final 3 with him and Knox.

I think it’s huge that Henry is trying to get Cassie to flip on me. Like that’s honestly a huge risk for him to take. Is it not obvious how close Cassie and I are? Like it just seems like common sense that at this point we’re not going to turn on each other. But I guess he feels that if he sells the argument well, she’ll commit to it. And I guess the fact that she was kind of playing into his hand also helped.

I did the challenge last night, which was an absolute disaster. Like always, I completely sucked. What I did find really sweet though was that I told Henry and Knox how I was trying really hard but it had been 2 hours and I was only on the second board, and they were both just really encouraging. They told me to keep going and not give up, but not to wear myself out. I just thought it was nice that even though they are about to vote me out, they are just so nice and still being great friends. Especially this comment from Henry:

Henry (02:48:16): did u get it?
AJ (02:48:47): no i just keep getting the same other solution ugh this is so frustrating
Henry (02:50:36): :-(
Henry (02:50:40): I wish I could help!
Henry (02:50:55): if for nothing else than to put you out of your misery, lol

Maybe this was just a light-hearted comment, but I found it very genuine. It’s things like this why I love my alliance so much. I guess “my alliance” isn’t what I should be saying anymore since we’re the only ones left. But I mean, we’ll always be JABBA as far as I’m concerned. They’re just such nice people and I seriously don’t have a single regret in the path I took to get to this point. I have loved working with them so much.

I was worried all day that Henry was going to win this immunity, and I was definitely mentally preparing for it, like I always prepare for the worst case scenario. But Thiago won, thankfully. Now I just have to decide how I want to handle this. Even though I know 100% how I'm voting, there are a few different options for how I could go about this. I am pretty sure they are still going to target me, but maybe they’ll try to use my emotions to get me to turn on Cassie? I’m really not sure. The only way to find out is to log on AIM…Which I haven’t done yet lol.

I think what I’ll probably do is start out by saying I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I won’t vote for Cassie. Then I’ll just see where it goes from there. Not sure which of the 3 of us they’re going to try and sway, I would assume Thiago if they see there is no way Cassie and I would turn on each other. But we’ll see!

[aj]

When I finally went on AIM last night, the first person I talked to was Henry. We didn't talk very much. I kind of just told him straight up that I was 50/50 on voting for him or Knox. He told me shortly after that I am the only one who has said that I’m considering voting for him, so he was probably going to vote for me. Then he had to go, so I said I’d send him a PM later with my final decision. His reaction was definitely a relief for me.



Then I went on google hangout with Knox for a bit. We talked for a while about whatever, and then we started to talk game. He told me right away that he was voting me off, and he’s been wanting to vote me off at 5 for awhile because he doesn’t think he can beat me. I tried to argue it, but he said he just really wants to win this game and he thinks I’m the biggest jury threat, because they see me as the “leader.” I just kept telling him how I won’t win the next challenge and now disliked I was, but he wasn’t buying it. So I just switched gears, and acted defeated and like I thought for sure I was going home. I told him I was really sad, but I wasn’t mad at him at all. And how I was just going to feel like a huge idiot going into the jury house. He was being super, super sweet about everything, and I could tell he felt bad. And talking to him seriously wasn’t even awkward at all. I loved the fact that we could still talk normally when I knew he was voting me out.

What was interesting, though, is that he knew I was targeting Henry and not him, and instead of trying to get me to target Cassie, he seemed to be more than okay with me targeting Henry. He said that he couldn’t vote Henry out because he promised him he wouldn’t, and he’s not a liar. But he also knows he can’t win against Henry, so he realizes that Henry going home is a win-win for him. So when I told him that I’m going to try to convince Cassie and Thiago to vote out Henry, he encouraged me. He told me that he doesn’t want to go to the end with him, but he doesn’t want to vote him out, especially considering the whole Chicago thing.



Anyways, I told Knox I was going to go try to convince Thiago to keep me around, so I got off the call with him and then called Thiago. And then I just told Thiago everything that Henry and Knox said to me today lol. And he told me he was really impressed with how I handled everything today, which seriously made me feel really good. Wow, I can’t even describe what a great feeling it was. I seriously have come such a long way with him. I started this game with very little trust in him, and now I trust him almost more than I trust Cassie. I seriously feel like I can tell him anything, which is just so nice because he’s so easy to talk to and such a good listener.



So before I went to bed, I sent Henry a very genuine PM about how I am voting him out, but I’ve really loved playing this game with him, and just thanking him for everything. I woke up this morning to his response, which said that Cassie has been willing to vote me out, and she’s just using me.

I go on AIM this morning, and talk to Henry for a bit. At first it was just small talk about how we’re voting for each other, but he just wanted me to be aware of what Cassie has told him throughout the game regarding voting me off. During our convo, I guess he was also talking to Thiago, and Thiago finally broke the news to him that he’s voting him out.

So that’s when Henry picked up the pace of our conversation, and immediately he went into a proposition as to why I needed to vote Cassie out. I acknowledged his points, but told him I wouldn’t do it. He kept going. His argument:

• Cassie agreed to voting me out earlier
  
• I need a “moment” to take to FTC with me, which would be voting out Cassie
  
• He would give me final 4 immunity if he wins it
  
• Cassie will win the game over me
  
• Thiago is going to get the credit for booting him if he goes home
  
• He’ll vote off Knox with me next round

I have a lot of respect for the fact that he was pitching me a deal to stay in the game. However, if he was smart, he would have been trying to get me to vote for Knox, not Cassie. Whether my reasoning for voting Cassie out was stupid and friendship-based or not, I said I wasn’t going to do it, so he should have stopped trying.

Henry (10:44:27): but
Henry (10:44:29): if you did leave
Henry (10:44:36): then you're gone and it wasn't her fault
Henry (10:44:41): she woulda got off guilt free
Henry (10:44:47): she just wanted to shift the target
AJ (10:44:50): well i think that's exactly how knox feels

Indeed, I do think that’s exactly how Knox feels. And Henry doesn’t seem to care at all. If he offered me a good deal as to why he should stay over Knox, I definitely would have considered it.

I do agree I can’t beat Cassie in the final judgement, but it doesn't make sense to vote her out over Henry because I can’t beat Henry either. Henry's argument to this was that I could vote him out at final 4. No, because he has a very good shot at winning immunity, which I am not sure that he would actually give to me like he promised. Also, I can’t trust for sure that he wouldn’t vote me out. This vote was honestly a no brainer for me, and that’s with all of my friendship with Cassie put to the side.

If Knox wins the next immunity, which he probably will, I realize I will have a huge dilemma on my hands. But I’m just taking this a round at a time, and I’ll deal with that then.



Final note, I need to say, I love Thiago so much. I feel better now, but while Henry was trying to campaign to me this morning, he really made me feel like shit. He just kept going and going when I kept telling him that I wasn’t voting Cassie out. And he just made me feel really bad for doing that. I was honestly getting annoyed and frustrated because I felt like he wasn’t respecting my decision. I was getting that feeling where this game was clouding my mind and I couldn’t think about anything else. Luckily, Thiago was right there to keep my spirits up. He just kept telling me how I’m doing nothing wrong, and Henry is just using my weakness against me. He was just so nice and made me feel a lot better about my decision. He even offered to give immunity to Cassie so that it wouldn’t look like I am just blindly following her. He reminded me that I have more important things to stress about, like my exam on Wednesday. He said I really shouldn’t have to think about this, and he feels bad that people are giving me such a hard time. Thiago is seriously such a good friend. He said that he’ll completely understand if I have to vote for him next round because he knows how much my friendship with Cassie means to me.

Like, in a game where there are a lot people who could care less about other people’s feelings and emotions, Thiago reminds me that even though this is just a game, some people just play more emotionally than others. I know how badly he wants to win this game, and yet, he is helping me to stay strong and not let these people wear me down. I can’t even say how much I appreciate having someone like that. At the final 5, that’s not something you do strategically. He’s doing that as a friend, and honestly, if he wasn’t online with me this morning, I don’t think I would have recovered so quickly from Henry making me feel terrible for voting him out. I’m really lucky to have such a caring ally.

[aj]

I wasn't going to post this, but what the heck. Impromptu video confessional about being in the final 4.

[aj]

Final 4. Like I just said in my video, this is super crazy and I never imagined this. I absolutely love the other three people who I am here with, too. So that definitely makes things even greater.

However, I am super stressed out about this next vote =/ Typical.

I just have a feeling that Knox will win this immunity. It’s endurance, and I’m pretty sure he has the most time on his hands. Cassie doesn’t like being on the computer, and Thiago works like all day. I guess I technically have enough time, but I have an exam on Wednesday which I seriously need to study for, and I really couldn’t let myself do a challenge over study for an exam that my grade depends on.

So if Knox wins immunity, I’m just going to be a mess. I know that voting out Cassie would be the smartest thing for me to do. I know there is no way that I can beat her in the end, which is extremely frustrating. But I honestly don’t know if I have the heart to vote her out. Ugh, it’s just annoying. I shouldn’t feel that way. She stripped me of winning in season 3. So why am I letting her win? I just can’t vote her out. It’s so pathetic of me, but I just can’t do it. Ugh, I’m seriously such a terrible player.

Not voting her out doesn’t make things any easier, because I LOVE Thiago. Seriously, these past couple of weeks I really think we’ve gone close. What makes everything harder is how understanding he is of the fact that I’m going to probably vote him out. Ugh, it seriously is so frustrating. I don’t want him to go to the jury. He’s honestly worked so hard and been through so much in this game, I just want him to be able to give his pitch to the jury. And it really will hurt me to vote him out after all he’s done for me on a friendship level.

I know it’s the game, and truthfully, I think I’ve done a good job of playing it up to this point. However, voting Thiago out would be the ultimate heart-over-head decision. It’s frustrating that I’m going to allow myself to do that.

We’ll see what happens =/

[aj]

I'm not blaming anyone, but this guy is honestly making this round absolutely miserable. I have the final for my summer class on Wednesday, and I can't tell you how stressed I am about that. Knowing that the status of your miserable summer is dependent on one exam...Like, if I fail this exam and don't get this credit, I will have legitimately wasted my entire summer in this class.

So I have the stress of that, but on top of that, I have the stress of this game. I've become so emotionally invested in it, that I'm just a mess. I don't have time to do this challenge, I honestly don't. I did it for as long as I could today, and it wore me out. There's no way I can try again tomorrow. But even without the challenge, I can't stop thinking about this final round =/



Knox will win immunity, and I'm very happy for him. It's well deserved, honestly. And I know how bad he wants it. So seriously, I'm proud of him. And we talked a little tonight, and he even told me that he and Thiago are going to vote out Cassie. And he wants me to vote Cassie with them, but he'll understand if I make it a tie.



I can't even explain how much this next vote devastates me. Thiago warms my heart on a daily basis. The amount we've bonded this past week is really crazy. Our relationship is far beyond this game at this point. What he said in his rites of passage about me seriously touched me more than I can put into words.

I know how badly he wants to make the finals. Which makes things even harder for me. He's had such a stressful summer, and all he wants is for this game to have been worth it.



But then on the other hand....There's Cassie. My best ORG friend. Who hardcore played me in season 3, but I quickly moved on and didn't let it affect us. However, I don't think she's the same way in that regard.

Cassie has played a quiet game, but a strong game. She's a very good jury speaker, and will put up a rational argument at the finale. She is, in my opinion, the current favorite to win this game.

However, if I vote her out, she will be upset, devastated, and pissed. Which will make me feel like a really bad friend.

I don't even want to finish this confessional. It's too hard for me to talk about. I know what the smart thing to do is, and as much as I want to pretend that I have a huge head v. heart decision to make and I'm going to follow my head, I know I'm not. And I'm just really frustrated at myself for that. Do I really want to go to the finale proving that I really was her goat again? Well, no. But I seriously don't have the heart to vote her out. I suck so much. I really do.

I'll elaborate more on it later. This vote is seriously painful for me. I'm so glad it's the last vote of this game. These last 3 have seriously been awful, and this one will be no different.

[aj]

Here's where I'm at with the vote right now =/

[aj]

First, I just have to say that I’m very grateful to the other 3 here in the final 4 with me. They were so incredibly considerate about the fact that I had an exam this morning and this vote was the last thing I wanted to think about, even though it was probably one of the main things on their mind at the time. But they were more than respectful about the fact that I really didn't need the stress of the vote on top of my stress about school. I am so lucky to be in the final 4 with people who care about me so much outside of this game.

I guess I should finally talk about this vote. I don’t mean to repeat myself, but it’s been really, really hard. And I still hate talking about it, honestly. But I’m going to do my best.

I finally texted Cassie last night. She asked me straight up if I’m voting for her, and it literally took me about 6 minutes to send the message. Not because I was typing out a novel, but because I couldn’t bring myself to press the send button to tell her I was considering it. I was expecting her to react in a harsh manner. But she didn’t. She just told me to do what I had to do. And I love her SO much for that. What an amazing friend.

Voting out Cassie is the smart thing to do for many reasons. One is that she’s a huge jury threat. She just has a knack for final tribal councils. She’s logical and makes good points. And she is effortlessly persuasive.

Almost more than that though, I think voting her out is the offensive move I need to make in order to have a shot at winning. My chances are slim regardless of who I go against. However, if I vote out Cassie, I’ll finally have both a point to make and a personal story.

What I’m trying to say is that, I’ve played with my head this whole game. Ben and Dominic said I haven’t been, because they say I am voting with my alliance instead of doing the smart thing. However, this will finally prove to them that I have been doing the smart thing. Because instead of keeping in my best friend who will beat me, I am voting her out. That’s anything BUT playing with my heart. Additionally, this will set me apart from Knox; he didn’t vote out his best friend who he knew would beat him. However, I did.

As for the journey, I mean, just look at it. I came into season 3 playing for Ryan. Every move I made was for Ryan. I let her vote me out and didn’t even try to stay. Then I voted for her to win. Definition of a puppet, to be honest.

Here, I came into this game, knowing I would work with her, but trying to keep my distance. However, the way the game unfolded, there was no option but for us to work together closely. When we work together, we do it well. I truly believe that we’re one of the strongest pairs out there. But the fact of the matter is, if I take her to the end, I am still going to be seen as her puppet. If I vote her out, whether I win or lose, I feel like I will finally have at least a bit of redemption in this series. And that would mean a lot to me, if I’m being honest.

However, I have to look at the other side of things. I will admit, keeping Cassie in this game would be mostly personal, since it goes without saying that she’s my best ORG friend. But it’s not really just a “oh Cassie’s my friend let me keep her around and lose for her yay bffs!!1!!11 <3333.” It’s really a lot deeper than that, honestly. She’s just like, a real friend. And even though this is just a game, at the end of the day, winning this game isn’t worth hurting someone I care so much about. I know in a few months she’ll understand why I did it, and this won’t affect our friendship. But that doesn’t take the fact that I’m hurting her. That she spent the past 46 days thinking about this game, and I’m taking away her chance to win at the last minute; not even giving her a shot in the tiebreaker. (Would make a great GvsE story for Cassie, though.) As dorky as this is, I know Cassie and I will look back on this game for a long time. And in a few years, I know that I will most likely wish that I took her to the end, just so we can say we did it together.

Strategically, maybe the jury won’t respect this move. I’ve hurt so many people in this game already. What a heartless bitch I will look like if I vote out my best friend. There’s a chance that this won’t be respected at all. And Cassie can spin the situation any way she wants. She can say the others guilt-tripped me into it, she can say I’m just a terrible person and backstabbed the one person loyal to me, she could say that I hurt all my friends in this game, she could say that I fell for Thiago’s charm…Seriously she will have the power to make me look terrible in this situation.

As pathetic as it sounds, it took a lot of strength for me to send the text to her saying that I’m even considering voting her out. So will I have the strength to tell her that I’ve actually decided to vote for her? And then to actually make a parchment for her? I don’t know. Time will tell =/

Now for their campaigns. Again, they were super respectful about the fact that I had an exam today, so neither of them tried too hard. Thiago’s campaign was a long PM that he told me not to read until my exam was over today. So I finally read it a couple hours ago. It was filled with screencaps. He basically showed me Cassie’s campaign to him and Knox, which involved making Knox apparently feel like shit, and saying to him that Mark is campaigning for Thiago to win, which who knows if that’s true or not…Then Thiago showed screencaps of his conversation with Cassie, where she said that maybe she should be voting for me too, and that she thinks I’m a bigger jury threat than her.

Cassie’s campaign to me was just a sincere text which I read this morning. She said it would look bad to the jury if I backstab the one person who had my back, because otherwise, I could use loyalty as a jury argument. She also reminded me that if I vote with her, it’ll only go to a tie. Which, true, I am acting like if I vote for Thiago he’ll definitely go home lol.

At this point, I’m leaning toward voting Cassie out. However, I really want to double check with Knox first just to make sure he actually did vote for her. And I’m freaking out because he’s no where to be found today, and there's only 3 and a half hours left. And then I need to break the news to Cassie and handle her reaction….I know I shouldn’t say that, because it makes it sound like her reaction could change my mind. But with the way my emotions are, I can’t be sure I won't.

[aj]

Call me paranoid, but I'm actually freaking the fuck out right now.

Knox hasn't opened my snapchat OR read my Facebook message. However, he favorited my tweet this morning, and posted stuff on iSurv1vor about an hour ago.

I think he's ignoring me.

I think him and Cassie came up with a plan in the middle of the night to make it a tie.

I'm going to come in 4th.

Ahhhhhhhhhh