Round 10

[aj]

OMG. WHAT. HOW ARE THE 5 OF US STILL HERE!??!?!?!?!?!

Wow. Like, it’s absolutely crazy. The odds were sooooo in their favor, but after tons and tons of deliberation, we somehow chose the right person to play my idol on. SUCCESS.



I honestly do feel really bad that Selena is gone. These past week or so, when the game became as divided as it is now, Selena was the only one from their side to ever take the time to talk to me. Even though she played me so hard pre-merge, we still were able to talk as friends and put the game aside. And I seriously can’t say how much I appreciate that. She’s a great friend and I hope we can continue that after.

The game seriously is at a whole new level now. While I should feel extremely accomplished, part of me is just scared. Now that I’m in the majority, the other side might decide to be super mean to me and make me feel like shit. Then, granted we make the final 5, it’s going to be super stressful voting out my friends.

To make things brief, I have absolutely no shot at winning this game. But I am just going to do my best, and roll with the punches and see how far I make it. The only jury vote I can imagine possibly getting is Mark.

I would ideally love to open a line of communication with Dominic, Ellen, Ben and Colleen. But now I’m just super self-conscious that if I say anything nice, or anything sympathetic, it will automatically be “fake.” Either that, or they’re just going to act condescending to me and criticize me about stuff. So those are the 2 reasons why I have been avoiding talking to them. However, it’s my responsibility now. Now that I’m in the majority alliance, it’s my responsibility to talk to them, otherwise I REALLY have no shot at winning.

I definitely am not getting overconfident. I realize that 2 idols will be rehidden, and Dominic and Ellen are the King and Queen of finding idols. So they are definitely still in this, and shouldn’t give up. However, I don’t know if I see a way that our group of 5 can be broken at this point.

[aj]

Dominic finally talked to me again.

Sigh. I'm such a mess. We talked on AIM for a few minutes first, where he was just saying stuff about how he heard my alliance thinks he's a bully, how hurt Selena is, and saying he's done with this game and just wants to make it to 6th. Then shortly after, he called me. He basically was just saying the same things. And just a bunch of stuff, too much to type, but basically just saying that he's worked so hard this whole game and it sucks that it's over for him. I tried to keep his spirits up, but he says there's no hope.

Ugh =/ I feel so bad. I love him so much, and I appreciate him calling me so much. But I know he's a huge threat and needs to go. Knox said it earlier; Dominic is trying to manipulate me because he knows I love him. I am fully aware of what Dominic is doing; he had all last week to call me, but decided to wait until he was in the minority to do so. But it still just makes me feel really bad.

I've wanted to work with Dominic this whole game. I really have. I tried so hard. I told him over the phone, that after he lied to me at the Chase vote, it showed where he stood. He finally explained why he did that, which I appreciate, but he did it 2 weeks too late. At this point, as much as I would love to change things and work with Dominic, there is absolutely no way I will turn against my alliance. There is no way I would be here without them, and I love them all so much.

I told Cassie that Dominic called me, and that he's being sweet....She is NOT happy.

koolio1414 (01:34:02): i'm sorry, but i think it's pathetic that he's calling you and kissing ass all of a sudden
AJ (01:34:13): it is, but it warms my heart
AJ (01:34:13): lol
koolio1414 (01:34:24): that would just annoy me because it is so fake
AJ (01:34:43): he sounds geniune, but yeah, he had all last week to call me
koolio1414 (01:34:58): he's not genuine
koolio1414 (01:35:08):him calling you when he's suddenly in the minority is completely ingenuine
AJ (01:35:21): ugh but he's being so sweet
koolio1414 (01:35:38): seriously, Kirin?
koolio1414 (01:35:42): like seriously?
koolio1414 (01:35:58): if people fall for his bullshit, that will piss me off so much
koolio1414 (01:36:12):you should seriously ask him why he's calling you now that he's in the minority and why not sooner

I know she's right. Really, I do. But I can't help how my heart feels. He's being so nice, and hypothetically, if I just starting working with him now, I think he'd be loyal.

But I just can't do it. I gave him so many chances premerge. There is no way I am going to ditch my amazing alliance for him. I just feel bad.

So, I don't know. I'm never usually awake this late. I just don't want to get offline while Dominic is still talking to me =/

[aj]

Ugh. I have some confessions to make this morning.

I’m not attacking Ellen in the challenge because I supposedly hate her and I want her gone next and want her to lose.

I’m solely attacking her because her losing the challenge will be the only way I will be able to save Dominic.



It just sucks. I want to keep Dominic around so bad, but I know that there is no way that my alliance will want to keep him over Ben and Colleen. Dominic keeps begging to me, asking if there is anything I can do, and I’m telling him the honest truth: if I had a say, he would stay, but he’ll have to talk to the other 4 members of my alliance. He really thinks I have more power than I have. I will not be able to change the minds of my other 4 allies. They all want Dominic out. And what Dominic doesn’t realize is that the fact that I want to save him actually gives my alliance even more of a reason to vote him out.

There’s only so much I can do. My alliance has not even discussed this next vote, but Cassie is basically making it clear that there is nothing I can do to change her mind. She is just going to keep telling me that he has to go. Look what she even told me last night:

koolio1414 (00:51:36):
Cassie: (12:51:04 AM) of course Colleen is on now
Cassie: (12:51:05 AM) bai2me
Thiago: (12:51:17 AM) dw she'll go shopping later
Thiago: (12:51:20 AM) i'm sure
AJ (00:51:48): lmao
koolio1414 (00:51:58): the sad thing is
koolio1414 (00:52:01): she will probably get 6th
koolio1414 (00:52:02): LOL
AJ (00:52:09): lol in the challenge?
koolio1414 (00:52:12): in the game
AJ (00:52:16): oh lol
koolio1414 (00:52:16): like we'll keep her the longest
AJ (00:52:21): we will?
koolio1414 (00:52:27): her or Ben
koolio1414 (00:52:28): idrc

AJ (01:16:43): i'm going to hit colleen next
AJ (01:16:47): just to keep things fresh
AJ (01:16:48): lol
koolio1414 (01:16:59): you're just afraid to hit Dom lol
koolio1414 (01:17:27): are you going to be afraid to vote Dom out too?

So yeah, I don’t really have a say, to be honest. Which sucks. It’s going to look like I didn’t try to save Dominic, when I really am going to try.

The other thing I did this morning was pretty bad…basically I saw multiple messages from Thiago telling me what to guess for the idol…And I ignored them. I know that’s absolutely terrible, and the worst thing any ORG player can ever do. I’m sure his guess was right and I would have got it. But like, I don’t trust myself with the idol. If I have it, I’ll have to lie about it, and I would probably be tempted to give it to Dominic...I’ve said before, I don’t like having idols because it’s just too much stress on me. The idol I had previously, I played perfectly, which is awesome. But it was probably a one time thing. I’m such a failure. Thiago would be so pissed at me if he knew I’m doing this. I don’t think he knows how much I love Dominic. Him and Cassie are going to be all over me at judgement telling me I have to vote Dominic out. I don’t like that, but it’s whatever.

The sad part of all of this? Dominic probably doesn’t even realize how much I am screwing my own game to help him. And if he does, he probably doesn’t care. He’s still going to be pissed at me when he gets voted out, and talk crap about me in the jury house.

Ugh. Why do I always let my emotions get in the way???

I just finished writing this, and I got another message from Thiago saying not to guess because it was wrong....I guess I just should have gone ahead and guessed. Blah.

[aj]

Hellooooo Judgement.

About an hour before the challenge ended, Ben texted me asking why "Colleen gets to win immunity" which I didn't understand, because he was clearly winning? lol. Then he apologized for making an assumption, and ended up winning immunity. Ellen and Dominic attacking Colleen at the end of the challenge really confused me, and I wonder why they did that. I'm honestly fine with Ben winning, though.

I went to bed before challenge results even went up, and I have no idea what my alliance talked about without me. I was honestly scared that they would make a final decision and just send me a message saying "THIS IS WHAT WE DECIDED, NO DISCUSSION." which wouldn't even allow me to give my input. But it looks like they didn't do that.

I honestly just really want to vote for Ellen. This is the first round she has actually been vulnerable, but I know there's a good chance she'll play an idol, which means her streak of being safe would continue. She has literally been immune every round this entire game, which is crazy. But I honestly believe that the threat of having an idol is as great, if not greater than, the actual idol. I feel like we have to take this risk and vote for Ellen. But idk, maybe it is too big of a risk. She has to know I'm going to target her, so I don't know why she wouldn't play it on herself. But then maybe she thinks it's so obvious that we should target her, that we'd vote for Colleen, and she'll give the idol to Colleen. I don't know.

Truthfully, voting out Dominic would probably be the best. I don't know if I'll be able to avoid talking to him, and I can't lie to him, which means the truth will slip out of me. However, I don't know how much he trusts me. So he could actually still play it on himself, but if he does trust me, he wouldn't, and then we could send him home. But like I've said, I am going to do my best to get my alliance to not vote for him. I think it will be easier than I thought with the threat of the idol. But we'll see.

[aj]

So today started with my conversation with Henry. He is seriously the smartest person alive. I mean I already knew that, but the survey results along with my conversation with him this afternoon just reminded me. He asked me what my thoughts were about the vote, and I told him that I thought Colleen or Ellen would be the best choice, but not Dominic. After I said this, he said:

Henry:
well
hmm, how do I say this,
I fully realize that outside this game you guys have a relationship
but look at the votes this season
who's voted with who
and gauge for yourself if he's talking to you because he wants to see you go further in the game
or if because he's trying to use u for personal gain
and i can't judge that for you, that's your call to make

As he said this, I was just like, wow, he’s so good at this game and talking to people. I couldn’t even argue what he was saying. Instead of it making me frustrated, like when Cassie told me similar things, I just thought about it and realized that had a point. He then went on to tell me how he agreed that Colleen is the best vote for this round because of the whole “avoid the idols” game, but if we decide to vote Ellen or Dominic, he thought that Dominic needed to go.

Henry:
I think if I had to choose between voting for Ellen and voting for Dom
I'd rather vote for Dom, because while I think Ellen is powerful, I think Dom is willing to do literally anything to get to the end of this game
The way he was able to manipulate Chase, it frightens me that he'll do that to someone else

I obviously knew he was talking about me, and he had to have known that I knew he was talking about me, which is why neither of us needed to clarify it. Maybe he was referring to Knox as well since Knox has been telling Dominic a lot about some comments within our alliance, but still, I knew it was mostly me. This is when I realized; trying to save Dominic is hurting both his game AND my game. No one wants to keep him because they know how much I love him, but it's also making them lose trust in me. Henry is just so smart. I still tried to argue that Dominic shouldn’t go this round because of the whole idol thing, and he agreed that if we're basing this off of who we think found the idol, we shouldn't vote for Dominic.



So I went on to touch base with Dominic. He had texted me in the middle of the night saying “Lol.” and I had no idea what that meant. So I finally asked him, and he told me and he said “oh just stuff.” So obviously he was mad about something, and I couldn’t help but confront it.

AJ: Are you mad at me about something?
Dominic Belli: kinda upset.
AJ: Why?
Dominic Belli can't talk about it

Seriously, Dominic?? Seriously?? I am borderline screwing my entire game for you, and you’re going to be upset with me? I cannot think of anything I’ve done in the past 48 hours that could possibly have upsetted him!

As if that message didn’t frustrate me enough…

5:25 PM AJ: Alright, well I'm sorry for whatever I did. I've been like borderline screwing my own game trying to help you so I don't know what I could have possibly done, but I'm sorry
5:25 PM Dominic Belli: i'm assuming your pleas aren't working?

So he’s going to be upset with me, not tell me why, and still expect me to try to campaign for him?

I just don’t understand. I seriously have put myself in a horrible position with my alliance because of Dominic. Dominic was already their biggest target, but now that I’ve made it so clear I don’t want him gone, they want him gone more. My point is that, I’ve tried so hard to keep him around, and he’s talking to me like this, it really hurts my feelings. Again, he’s upset with me, won’t tell me why, but still wants me to help him. Like, I can’t possibly imagine his thought process right now, it legitimately doesn’t make sense to me.

So finally I just told him something that basically said “Hey, if I’m going to try to save you, we need to be on the same page, I’m not going to stick my neck out for someone who is mad at me and not open with me.” And he told me that Cassie told people that he was using our friendship to make me turn against my alliance or something like that, and that he's only talking to me because he's in the minority. So I just told him that I know he’s not doing that, I know he’s being genuine, and no one knows what we talked about in our phone conversation, and how our bond is. I let him know that I am truly trying to save him in this game, but he has to be aware that it’s not really doing much good for either of us. He automatically switched to nice and sweet Dominic, and told me how much he appreciates me trying to help him, and that he loves me. He asked me if I could at least let him know if he was going or not so he could “prepare,” and I said yes, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell him….I’m not stupid. I know they have the idol, and I think he would use me to decide who they need to play it on.

So, to sum everything up. I absolutely love Dominic, I want him to do well in this game, I wish we were on the same side SO badly, I appreciate him talking to me and I value his friendship a lot. I think that everything he has said to me is very genuine on a personal level. However, I realize that he is simultaneously trying to use me on a strategic level to get further in this game; I will not turn on my alliance for him, and I have told him this, and he seems to have accepted that.

Anyways, I got offline, knowing that our group would hopefully meet tonight and discuss the vote in detail. While I was gone, I was thinking about how I am going to tell Dominic that I won’t be able to tell him who we’re voting off, and how I was going to handle his reaction. But when I came back online, Ben had given immunity to Dominic….Which helps me out on a personal level TONS, but on a game level, I have no idea what to think of this.

I say this every round, but this could be my last round in the game. Round 10 is the same round I went in season 3, but this time I’d get 9th instead of 8th. So like, blah.

Would their alliance vote for me? I think I would be Ben, Ellen and Colleen’s first choice to vote off for sure. I’d really like to believe that Dominic doesn’t want me out, and it’s definitely not in his best interest to get me out either since I am pulling so hard to save him. But if the other 3 want me gone bad enough, Dominic just might have to go along with it.

[Faith]

emotions are for ugly people. just tell him

[aj]

To follow up Ben giving Dominic immunity, it really showed me that Dominic doesn’t trust me. I’ve been wondering these past few days how much Dominic trusted me when I told him that I would try to keep him safe, and that I would tell him what we decided to do regarding Judgement. However, he apparently heard from someone that he was for SURE our next target, and I guess that freaked him out so he asked Ben for immunity? I have no idea where he heard this from, or if this is even accurate, since our alliance hadn’t even discussed the vote yet. Regardless, I hate to admit it, but he probably could have squeezed out of me whether or not we were voting for him, so considering that, I don’t know if their immunity transfer was the smartest thing. But it did show me that Dominic really must not trust me. Anyways, enough about that. Bottom line is that Dominic being safe helps me out a lot in terms of my promise to him to try to save him, so even if he doesn’t trust me, I’m cool with it.

So last night, our alliance, (which we half-heartedly named JABBA, although I’ll probably be the only one to refer to it as that) went into our usual pre-judgement Google Hangout. We didn’t drag out our strategy discussion for too long, we basically just went back and forth between Ben and Colleen, as we assumed Ellen would be playing an idol. Which, I still don’t know if I’m sure of, because I feel like she could totally risk her life for Ben or Colleen. I feel like it’s SO obvious that she would be playing an idol, that their alliance might look at it like we would never vote for her…which is accurate, I guess. But it’s whatever, I didn’t want to argue it and then be wrong lol. So we basically told Thiago to make the decision for us, because he called the last 2 votes correctly, haha. And he said he thought it would be safest to vote for Colleen. So that’s what we decided to do.

For the rest of the night, it was mainly just Knox, Thiago and myself talking about random whatever for awhile. I love them so much! I could talk to them all night. I don’t know how they handle me, I seriously talk non stop and don’t shut up. And this is something I really need to work on, honestly. I don’t think I mentioned this, but in our last google hangout, Cassie made a lot of kind of rude comments about Dominic, and Knox literally told Dominic word-for-word these comments. Cassie and I agreed to not make a big deal out of this because we don’t want to cause distrust within our alliance, but it honestly really wasn’t cool of Knox to do that. But it reminded me that I do need to watch my mouth in these google hangouts because Knox could really go tell Dominic anything. So I really hope that I didn’t say anything last night that Knox is going to spread around.



The other midly significant thing that happened last night was pretty funny. Knox was going to show us a small excerpt from his conversation with Henry regarding this vote….And Knox ended up copy and pasting their entire conversation to us!!!! Haha, omg. You could tell he was flustered when he did that, but he was trying to play it off like “oh don’t read it, it was only us idol hunting!” I did read the conversation, of course, and there was nothing that really drastically changed my opinion on them. There were 2 things that did stick out to me though:

1. Henry is a lot more talkative with Knox than he is with me, and actually gives more solid thoughts and opinions. Cassie and I always wondered if the way Henry typed to us was with everyone, but I guess it’s not, he definitely seems to share more of his thoughts with Knox.

2. Henry told Knox that he wanted to set up something “long term” with him, which I assume means final 3. I’m definitely not going to overanalyze this or anything, and like I said, it doesn’t make me trust them any less in the slightest. But the fact of the matter is that Cassie, Thiago and I all saw this, and if by some miracle the 5 of us are the final 5, Thiago might be the swing vote? I don’t even know. Cassie and I have been so sure this whole time that Thiago was the 5th wheel, but after reading that, I realized that's not the consensus at all. However, the chances of all 5 of us making the final 5 are very, very, very slim, so I’m definitely not thinking too much about that right now. Heck, I don’t know if I’m even going to make the final 8! We’ll find out tonight, I guess.