Round 9

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HOLY OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was my reaction when Knox sent me a video snapchat of the vote. I actually didn’t even believe it was real. But wow, amazing. Can’t believe Thiago found the idol at the last minute. That’s so crazy. Something went our way!!! Lol.

I do really need to say something about Luca though. And it’s honestly hard for me to talk about. Outside this game, Luca is seriously one of the sweetest guys I’ve met, and that’s no exaggeration. He’s an extremely good conversationalist, and he’s just so easy to talk to. You know from having just one conversation with him why he’s so good at ORG’s. Coming into this game, I really was hoping that there would be a way that him and I could work together. I just wanted to be on his side! And it sucks that right before the merge, I won’t be able to play with him. It’s a good thing he's gone because obviously we’re on different sides and there probably just would have been tension, and so I’m glad I’ll be able to avoid that. But I’m still sad that there was just no opportunity in this game for him and I to play together at all.

The round before the first swap where I asked Selena to talk to Knox about voting Luca out, that is the only thing so far in this game that I regret doing. 6 rounds later, I still feel extremely bad about it. Luca never took a shot at me in the slightest, and here I was campaigning against him from a different tribe through someone else. I really, really hope he’ll forgive me. I really hate that the circumstances of this game didn’t allow us to work together, and I hope that someday we’ll get the chance to make up for that.

Going into this merge, I feel absolutely incredible. I was so ready to just get picked off by a big alliance like I was in season 3. But going in 5-5 definitely brings hope. Yes, I am fully aware that we could lose at purple rock at judgement and it’ll all be over. But I think I am just going to 100% play my idol, bettering our odds. We’ll see though.

I’m just really happy to have made it to this point. I never would have thought I would make it this far. Final 10 feels amazing. I just keep looking at these faces I am playing with, and it’s like wow, these are seriously some of the best. I’m really honored to be playing with these people.

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Anddddddd I wrote all of that about Luca before he went off on me on AIM. I IMed him to say sorry he was voted out, which I don't know why the fuck I did that, because I should have expected the reaction I got. He went off on me about how I’m fake, how I’ve wanted him out this whole game and how I started this whole war against Ellen. He said so much that I couldn’t even respond to it all. And I’m not even going to bother to justify myself here. It’s just not worth it. I’ve never felt so disliked in a game before, and it feels absolutely terrible. I remember feeling extremely shitty this exact same round in season 3 as well, but at least people liked me as a person. At least I knew it was 100% game. It sure doesn’t feel that way now.

But I won’t lie, Luca’s words really hurt my feelings. There are a lot of terrible qualities about myself, and I could list them for days. But the one thing that does not describe me is fake. I consider myself a very genuine person, both online and in real life. Being called fake is honestly the most hurtful thing that anyone can tell me. I was nice to Luca in this game because I love him as a person, not because I was trying to suck up to him in the game. But it’s whatever, he’s going to think what he wants. I know that I never had intentions of making this whole game divided. I HATE that the game is like this. And so Luca might think I wanted it that way, well, I didn’t.

The whole thing that happened at round 3’s judgement still hurts me. I don’t know what got into me, all I can say is that I made a mistake. I should have never fucking trusted Selena. I screwed up so fucking badly, and I will never recover from it.

After sleeping over Luca's harsh words to me, it still really hurts. But I just have to remember that I have the best allies in the world. I could go on for days about how much I love Henry and Knox. Thiago and I have come such a long way and I feel like we have such a strong relationship now. And obviously Cassie is the one person here who will care about me no matter what. I just need to focus on the good things, like this.

With the exception of Selena, I don't anticipate the other side being nice to me for the remainder of this game. And so I'm going to have to stay strong. I know they are going to say things just as hurtful if not more hurtful as the things Luca told me. I'm not going to do well in this game if I let every comment from them upset me. So I'm truly going to do my best to stay strong and focused

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When I was uploading my puzzle screenshot to tiny pic, this was the security code -_____-



I hope this isn't a sign...

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To be completely honest, this game hurts me on almost a daily basis.

I just can't express how much I hate this whole "sides" thing. I honestly am afraid to IM anyone on the other side because I just assume they'll just yell at me and confront me about stuff. And I hate that feeling. I say this like every round, but I seriously love Dominic and Ben so much. I never would have intentionally done anything to be on opposite sides from them. I know Luca says I started it all by targeting him, but I really don't think i started it all. I've been wanting to work with Dominic this whole game. And even though we've been on opposite tribes, I truly tried to keep a strong relationship with him. But he chose Ellen. And so I don't know why I take so much heat for this. My friendship with both him and Ben mean more to me than this game, and there's no way I'll be able to look back on this game positively if they won't be my friends after this is over.

I love Chase to death, and I always will, but he definitely caused this more than me. I found out yesterday he showed Dominic that "AJ v. Ellen" picture via Skype, and Dominic is the one who spread it around. So I feel like the 2 of them instigated this a lot more than I did. I mean of course I understand why most of it (or all of it, according to Luca) has been put on me. But I truly mean it when I say that if I had it my way, it wouldn't be like this. I HATE being on opposite sides from Ben and Dominic. Hate it.

I don't know. I guess Luca's words the other night just really hit me hard. I can't stop thinking about all the mistakes I've made in this game, and I've barely been on AIM for the past 2 days. I know I'm acting like such a pussy, and I really I wish I was emotionally stronger. But I just know I'll get upset if anyone berates me anymore, so I guess I'm trying to avoid it. =/

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Well, Ellen and Dominic won immunity. And we know their side has an idol...And whoever we vote for will be immune...So assuming no one with idols get votes, it's going to be one of them and 3 of us pulling rocks. Awesome!!! lol.

So our awesome group of 5 went into a google hangout right after results to decide what to do. My take on this was that I didn't want to analyze it too much, because that just makes things more confusing and then we'll be more annoyed when we see the results...There are reasons for why each of Ben/Selena/Colleen would play the idol, and there are reasons for them to vote for every one of us. So it's just really had to predict.

I'll probably get critics for this, but I'm not playing my idol on myself tonight. Part of me did want to just play it and make the final 9, and I definitely don't think anything is wrong with that mindset. But just personally, I'd rather play it on someone else. Part of it is strategic; my alliance thinks that it's so obvious that either Cassie and I will play it that the other side will vote for one of our other 3. But honestly, I mostly just want to play my idol on someone else from a friendship standpoint. I just think it would be a nice thing to do, and I would be just as happy to see my allies continue in the game as I would be continuing myself.

I'm afraid that if I pull the purple rock, or we vote for the person who plays the idol, it will look like I got Chase'd out of the game. Which I guess is arguable. But the difference is that I am 100% aware of the implications that will come from the decision I'm making. I'm just choosing to play the idol on someone else because I want to. We went back and forth deciding whether I should play it on Henry, Thiago or Knox, but we finally decided Knox, and I am definitely content with that.

So yeah, this round obviously isn't looking that great for us. But at this point, I'm accepting of whatever happens. I would love to continue of course, but if I get voted out, I'll be happy that the rest of my alliance is still in, and I'm looking forward to watching the rest play out. I definitely have not lost hope, though.

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I am honestly scared out of my mind for results tonight....I mean, I know that one of myself/Cassie/Henry/Thiago is almost definitely leaving...But I just have this terrible feeling that Selena is playing the idol, and they're voting for me....Ugh, I can feel it!! I hope I'm wrong, but I'm just going to look like the biggest idiot if that happens....And if I don't look like an idiot, then I just look like a coward for "giving up" the game for my friend. I would say giving Knox the idol is 75% strategic and 25% personal. It's strategic because they know Cassie or I have it, so I don't know why they would risk voting for one of us...But then maybe that's why they would vote for me, because they know that we know that they know we have it, so because of that, they might think we'd give it to Henry/Thiago/Knox. Ugh, I really don't know. Giving Knox the idol was 25% personal because I love him and I don't want him to go home. To be honest, I just wouldn't feel right using the idol on myself. Doing that would really be going against my character.

This game has been such a rollercoaster, and it's crazy that it all might come to an end tonight. I would really love to make it farther in this game than I did in season 3, which means I need to make it through this round and the next round, and then the round after that if I want to place better than 8th again. My placing is so far below everyone elses....6 of the final 10 have made it to the top 3, and 5 have made top 2. That's super impressive. I really am honored to be competing with these amazing players.