Post by mark on Jul 8, 2013 12:59:52 GMT -5
I take this episode title from the beautiful story of Esther. You should read it some time
I debated back and forth whether or not I wanted to post my last confessional, especially since I will have to speak in retrospect. There's a part of me that wanted to log out and never return. To be honest, I didn't initially look at that lovely .gif in the judgment results because I first saw a PM with the subject of "UGH" from Cassie, another PM from AJ...and then Ben's reply in the results thanking Random.ORG and his cheeky Brenda .gifs, so I looked no further. When Thiago asked me if I was at least on the jury, I had to go back and double check. My heart actually sank at that fact, rather than lift. Why would I want to spend the next month keeping up with a game that gives me a pretty good idea who will be sitting in or around the end? Well, because I want to be a good sport. I'm hoping that in the next several weeks while this game drones out, I will have subsided in my anger and everything that has annoyed me about this game. We'll see. I went through a lot making it possible to play this game, and no, I'm not making myself a martyr. I'll explain more later, because this final confessional is going to be as real and raw as it can get, inside the heart of a 37 year-old kid who devours one-by-one elimination concept and strategy.
I said all that to say, I decided to go ahead and flesh out my final confessional, if for no other reason but that my thoughts and the profile that is Mark Jeffcoat can be complete in the canon of this series.
I knew that my week long trip would somehow be my undoing in this game, if not directly, indirectly. Of course, I can't really base anything on hypotheticals, but I really have to in this instance. Aside from the fact that Extinction ended a mere week before this game started, I have a family to tend to. I'm realizing now that it is nearly impossible to play a fully fleshed out, social game as a family man with a full time job, a home, and a business. As a bachelor, I could have my way with games, and I did. Prior to this I had only played one game since I'd been married, and it worked out because Megan is a theater teacher and it fell right in the midst of one-act, so I had plenty of time alone. Not so much here. I had a hankering to play Extinction enticed mainly by the alias aspect. It was so much easier to play a game where nobody knew me, and I knew none of them. Extinction worked out fine on its own, with only a couple of minor incidents of friction between Megan and me. All Stars? Not so much. Hold that thought.
My week hiatus...a huge impetus in whether or not I played all stars. You can't excell in a game without being fully invested, unless you are well-connected or are the quintessencial under-the-radar or goat, neither of which I am. I can not successfully fly under the radar no matter how you spin it. It's not in my nature; it's not in my personality. Besides, as Dominic pointed out to me in so many smarmy and slinky ways, there were followers of my confessional and strategy...just for such a time as this. (Another Esther salute, thank you.) Dominic being one of them. So no, I was never flying under anyone's radar. As a matter of fact, one of the huge questions going into this game was whether or not Mark and Thiago were going to be together in this game. I can only roll my eyes. That could only come from the brigade of pre-seasoners who have known parts of the cast and have been freely strategizing for weeks. How else could they deflect the attention of their gian bloc? By arrousing fear over a lowly duo. Well, that and stupidity of others. Hold that thought, too. Anyway, as luck would have it, my anniversary trip was going to fall right in the throes of merge, where everything was winding down to that pivotal, make or break, game-changing moment. I could not be there to fully strategize, and most importantly search for that idol. I could not be there to work on the challenge. I'm not saying that I would have been the force to hand us a win, but I could have brought my editing skills and some ideas to the table, possibly even taken away the individual immunity from Ellen. This was MY challenge last season. Hypothetical, though it is, it has to be considered.
I have to reiterate that I'm not so narcissistic to say that I would have skated through this game had I not gone on my trip, or for any orther reason for that matter. But it was an impact, nonetheless.
I need to back up to the departure of Michael and Wendy, and when I say that, I somehow feel like I've stepped into some Peter Pan fantasy. I knew somehow as my previous round confessionals stated that somebody was going to mess up our challenge plan. Of course. First it was Knox, but he was able bounce back, and I don't fault him for that. I also thought I could post a row at a time until AJ pointed it out to me. No biggie. But I knew Michael was going to screw it up, and there was a part of me that was concerned how he was tackling one of the highers scores. How in the world is it that it just happened to be the score that Ben was doing? BEN....one of the TWO on our tribe we needed to keep immunity away from. I know Michael stupidly spilled the beans about our challenge plans and Cassie's idol, but I don't know if that happened before or after the challenge. Needless to say, the worst case scenario happened from that. Michael failed us; Ben became immune. The stupidity of others. This was all heaped upon the frustration that twice in a row the results of our challenge weren't handled correctly. I mean, I know people mess up, but posting results of a challenge early when people are still working should be a no-brainer, double checking, the whole nine yards. I mean no disrespect, but while I'm being candid and raw, I have to say what I feel. I was already disgruntled with this game over such carelessness that I was welcoming my hiatus. Besides the fact that this game was creating problems at work...and problems at home. Yep. I even considered quitting a week ago and expressed myself to AJ and Thiago for no other reason but I simply didn't have the time...especially if things were going to be careless. I had a trip coming up...Megan doesn't understand why I have to talk to strange people well into the night while she's trying to sleep...it's taken my focus, my time, my energy...
I could think of no other reason to stay in...but for the support of those that needed me. And I wasn't basing it on how long I had known someone, or because I had built this army weeks before the game. I feel it's where we were pigeon-holed. And I would have it no other way. In my honest opinion, it was much better company as opposed to the smarm and ooze I got from the likes of Ben, Gloria, Dominic, and Ellen. This is not a personal attack. I spent the majority of the time talking to these people knowing in my heart of hearts that they weren't genuine with me. Gloria was great until her little dew drops of "Remember when you did this to me?" I mean, that's inconspicuous. Or Ben's, "I don't care about this game, honestly." Yet tells Ellen everything personal I've told him and more and can't bother to sign on to AIM because his "lover" is in town, but can build a wall of 148 bricks. And Dominic doing the obvious, swooning over my confessional and game play, over-bearing complements...I shudder just remembering. Ellen is one who I actually believe is a genuine person, but the martyr card is just too much, and I called her on it.
"No one is a martyr. Everyone in this game is eligible to be targeted at any time whether it be first or last. YOU are not special."
I think were my exact words or somewhere close. She merely had a pause and a, "you're right," to respond with. It eats me up all over that she has somehow managed herself into the status of Good vs Evil darling, the top ranking, and highest profile and yet now feels entitled to this game. Just because she cares about it more? Just because of her status? Does it not mean nothing to anyone else? I'm not saying this to take away from her status, because she obviously deserves it, but to villify a whole group because they "unneccesarily targeted her"...that doesn't fly. Everyone who is targeted, is targeted NECCESARILY. Period.
Get off a high horse.
I don't know what all happened with Chase's image link. "The leak was figured out," was the explanation given to me. If there was a leak...from someone's confessional...used against them and others...it can't possibly be "figured out". It should never have leaked unless Chase leaked it on his own. If he did...I stand corrected. There is a reason why only a select few have access to my confessional, and I'll leave it at that.
To the best of my knowledge, the whole divide in this game came from pre-season cattiness. Apparently AJ said some such about Ellen being a threat...or Ellen said some such about wanting AJ out of All Stars and supporters took the information and ran with it. Apparently good ol', non-caring Benny, went straight to Ellen with a lot of juicy morsels from AJ. I don't know the truth. I only know what I hear. All I know is that the outcome is staring us in the faces and some big egos caused it. The rest of us who don't have the luxury of phone numbers or skype sessions or weeks in the know have only to choose a side or be picked off...or both if luck isn't on our side. I wonder where I fell?
Back to the chain of events, worst case scenario, Ben is immune. I had a gut instinct to tell AJ to go ahead and pick up Michael's slack, but I left obviously not well enough alone. How could coincidence be so precise? And then another bombshell to cause me to want to quit was the sudden, out of nowhere instructions to create a cartoon avatar, that is fairly time sensative. I mean, there's an intel on the side that's ready to be used, no? "Be here at such and such time on Sunday, your presence and expedience could be very important." Something like that. Something so we can be prepared, not sign on when we're in bed, on our phones. Whatever. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that this means a swap. Of course I'm frustrated that I'm already packed on the night before my trip...and I'm not going to get out of bed to play Survivor. Megan and I would be separated before we even got to leave on our trip. Whatever, "the swap from Hell" is the only valid way to describe it. 3 on 3...on both tribes. There was no way out of either one without someone falling victim to the purple rock...which, while I'm spewing all the piss and venom in my body (because it IS therapeutic for me at the moment), I think is the STUPIDEST thing that has ever occured on Survivor next to the final three and redemption, in that particular order. Chance should dictate alliances and swaps. Chance should not dictate the very moment you leave the game. I realize, blah blah blah, get off my back, I'm not the host. Point taken, I'm not. But this is my frustration and my rant. You would think with an idol in my pocket we could handily pull through.
I've already explained my week away. I spent as much time as I could searching for that idol with such vague clues. I couldn't do both that and the challenge. Yes, Megan and I had a fight during our trip over this stupid game. It's not worth it. It wasn't worth it. It never is worth it. But while I was in it, I had to fight for it, all the while my animosity towards Ben is just corroding me. Why, you ask? Because Ben really hurt me on what I feel was a personal level. I had more or less decided not to play this game. Most encouraged me not to. Thiago encouraged me not to. Zac encouraged me not to. "Take your success and run away."
Ben said plaaayyyyyyy. Knox did too, but Knox was a steadfast ally who I would have stuck with till the very end. As soon as this game started, Ben said.....
"I'm too busy" "I don't want to play" "I'm lonely" Yet he's telling Ellen everything I'm saying, doing, saying about Thiago...which, let's be honest, I wasn't sure I could totally trust Thiago at the moment. Not with Ellen in the picture. I'm hurt because Ben knew he had a solid group, a brilliant and oh-so-strategic crossover from a current game, and 5 year old buddy in Colleen. I was his number, and he said it best in our last blowout before I left this game....your mind games have annoyed me since the last game". Be that as it may, that's why he "wanted me to play". For a number, and to best me when he could. Well played, Ben. Well played. You got me.
Now step into my shoes for a moment...and just take it in.
I said you were a disgusting human being, and so that's what I felt at the time, and at this moment I still do. Does that mean I hate you? Only in the heat of the moment. I won't hate you forever. But I won't be staying in touch. *shrug*
I thought we could figure something out to get out of our pending purple rock. Surely with the idol we could. Surely I could read the signs of who they might be voting. Ben tells me I could tie it and go ahead and change my vote later. How egotistical can you be? If he was so high and mighty to take a purple rock because Colleen is his friennnndddd, then why doesn't he just kindly excuse himself from the game? That's what I told him. I didn't ask him to quit. Just see reason. So no, I wasn't going to cave to his demands. Besides, I'd rather leave at the hands of a purple rock then go into the rest of the game outnumbered, without an idol, by a group who had been strategizing for a while. Yes, I keep going back to that. I told you, I'm a conspiracy theorist when it comes to all stars. But what Gloria told me would happen, happened. So there's that. If I knew I could have gotten ahold of Michael and Wendy before the vote, I would have switched the vote to Ben way back when and could have unleashed Gloria on those who had betrayed her. But I knew that wasn't possible, so I had to go with it.
Let's make no mistake, I didn't walk into the purple rock for AJ and Cassie's sake, per se. But for the whole group. The lines had been drawn. I had toyed with pulling myself out of the game, so why not be the one to take the chance. But I had, not one, but TWO 50/50 chances to surpass. How is it that I fail both of them? How is that coincedence came to that? Why was no amount of luck on my side in this game? It really makes you go hmmmm. Maybe it was ultimately because I wasn't supposed to play this game in the first place. Maybe Megan prayed for it, I don't know. But I do believe I wasn't supposed to play in the first place.
Here was my thought process in trying to figure out who Ben, Ellen, and Colleen would be voting: I figured they wanted AJ out more, so they would vote Cassie, who would, in turn, be immune to the purple rock. I should have anticipated that THEY would anticipate that. Really, it's impossible to figure out from one side or the other. It boils down to, I'm not supposed to be in this game. I had one shot, and I guessed incorrectly. Then I had another shot, and Random.org was not on my side. And before we start counting my sour grapes, I don't accuse anyone. I'm not accusing anyone. Again, let's take a walk in my shoes for a moment. It's MY fate in the game, determined by a random happenstance. Don't you think I want to be there, watching it live? Maybe having a hand at rolling a die or generating a random...or perhaps choosing my own number? I don't know...just something that I'm actively involved? Again, I accuse no one of anything, but it would have been nice rather than to log in and see...oh, well someone has already determined my fate with an unseen random process. I don't know...it just sucks. It sucks a lot. It sucks so much, that I'm not happy to be on the jury. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth, this whole entire experience.
If I perish, I perish. That's how I walked into this round. Obviously I didn't walk out of it. But I tried to save a group of people in so doing. I guess I'm not as pretty as Esther so the proverbial...well, I guess since this isn't a proverb or from Proverbs, it can't be proverbial, but go with it...King Ahasuerus didn't have the heart to save my people because my skin was so fair, and I was so beautiful to look upon. Just go with it...I'm rambling at this point...and pretty much drunk with the realization that this may be the last sentence it write here.
You know? It hurts. It hurts a lot. Especially the way I went out.
I perished.
Mark 17:8
And it came to pass, he was parted from them and carried up into heaven. But it was yet to be revealed what would happen to his people. One could only hope. The game is not fair and never has been.
Peace and blessings, selah.
I debated back and forth whether or not I wanted to post my last confessional, especially since I will have to speak in retrospect. There's a part of me that wanted to log out and never return. To be honest, I didn't initially look at that lovely .gif in the judgment results because I first saw a PM with the subject of "UGH" from Cassie, another PM from AJ...and then Ben's reply in the results thanking Random.ORG and his cheeky Brenda .gifs, so I looked no further. When Thiago asked me if I was at least on the jury, I had to go back and double check. My heart actually sank at that fact, rather than lift. Why would I want to spend the next month keeping up with a game that gives me a pretty good idea who will be sitting in or around the end? Well, because I want to be a good sport. I'm hoping that in the next several weeks while this game drones out, I will have subsided in my anger and everything that has annoyed me about this game. We'll see. I went through a lot making it possible to play this game, and no, I'm not making myself a martyr. I'll explain more later, because this final confessional is going to be as real and raw as it can get, inside the heart of a 37 year-old kid who devours one-by-one elimination concept and strategy.
I said all that to say, I decided to go ahead and flesh out my final confessional, if for no other reason but that my thoughts and the profile that is Mark Jeffcoat can be complete in the canon of this series.
I knew that my week long trip would somehow be my undoing in this game, if not directly, indirectly. Of course, I can't really base anything on hypotheticals, but I really have to in this instance. Aside from the fact that Extinction ended a mere week before this game started, I have a family to tend to. I'm realizing now that it is nearly impossible to play a fully fleshed out, social game as a family man with a full time job, a home, and a business. As a bachelor, I could have my way with games, and I did. Prior to this I had only played one game since I'd been married, and it worked out because Megan is a theater teacher and it fell right in the midst of one-act, so I had plenty of time alone. Not so much here. I had a hankering to play Extinction enticed mainly by the alias aspect. It was so much easier to play a game where nobody knew me, and I knew none of them. Extinction worked out fine on its own, with only a couple of minor incidents of friction between Megan and me. All Stars? Not so much. Hold that thought.
My week hiatus...a huge impetus in whether or not I played all stars. You can't excell in a game without being fully invested, unless you are well-connected or are the quintessencial under-the-radar or goat, neither of which I am. I can not successfully fly under the radar no matter how you spin it. It's not in my nature; it's not in my personality. Besides, as Dominic pointed out to me in so many smarmy and slinky ways, there were followers of my confessional and strategy...just for such a time as this. (Another Esther salute, thank you.) Dominic being one of them. So no, I was never flying under anyone's radar. As a matter of fact, one of the huge questions going into this game was whether or not Mark and Thiago were going to be together in this game. I can only roll my eyes. That could only come from the brigade of pre-seasoners who have known parts of the cast and have been freely strategizing for weeks. How else could they deflect the attention of their gian bloc? By arrousing fear over a lowly duo. Well, that and stupidity of others. Hold that thought, too. Anyway, as luck would have it, my anniversary trip was going to fall right in the throes of merge, where everything was winding down to that pivotal, make or break, game-changing moment. I could not be there to fully strategize, and most importantly search for that idol. I could not be there to work on the challenge. I'm not saying that I would have been the force to hand us a win, but I could have brought my editing skills and some ideas to the table, possibly even taken away the individual immunity from Ellen. This was MY challenge last season. Hypothetical, though it is, it has to be considered.
I have to reiterate that I'm not so narcissistic to say that I would have skated through this game had I not gone on my trip, or for any orther reason for that matter. But it was an impact, nonetheless.
I need to back up to the departure of Michael and Wendy, and when I say that, I somehow feel like I've stepped into some Peter Pan fantasy. I knew somehow as my previous round confessionals stated that somebody was going to mess up our challenge plan. Of course. First it was Knox, but he was able bounce back, and I don't fault him for that. I also thought I could post a row at a time until AJ pointed it out to me. No biggie. But I knew Michael was going to screw it up, and there was a part of me that was concerned how he was tackling one of the highers scores. How in the world is it that it just happened to be the score that Ben was doing? BEN....one of the TWO on our tribe we needed to keep immunity away from. I know Michael stupidly spilled the beans about our challenge plans and Cassie's idol, but I don't know if that happened before or after the challenge. Needless to say, the worst case scenario happened from that. Michael failed us; Ben became immune. The stupidity of others. This was all heaped upon the frustration that twice in a row the results of our challenge weren't handled correctly. I mean, I know people mess up, but posting results of a challenge early when people are still working should be a no-brainer, double checking, the whole nine yards. I mean no disrespect, but while I'm being candid and raw, I have to say what I feel. I was already disgruntled with this game over such carelessness that I was welcoming my hiatus. Besides the fact that this game was creating problems at work...and problems at home. Yep. I even considered quitting a week ago and expressed myself to AJ and Thiago for no other reason but I simply didn't have the time...especially if things were going to be careless. I had a trip coming up...Megan doesn't understand why I have to talk to strange people well into the night while she's trying to sleep...it's taken my focus, my time, my energy...
I could think of no other reason to stay in...but for the support of those that needed me. And I wasn't basing it on how long I had known someone, or because I had built this army weeks before the game. I feel it's where we were pigeon-holed. And I would have it no other way. In my honest opinion, it was much better company as opposed to the smarm and ooze I got from the likes of Ben, Gloria, Dominic, and Ellen. This is not a personal attack. I spent the majority of the time talking to these people knowing in my heart of hearts that they weren't genuine with me. Gloria was great until her little dew drops of "Remember when you did this to me?" I mean, that's inconspicuous. Or Ben's, "I don't care about this game, honestly." Yet tells Ellen everything personal I've told him and more and can't bother to sign on to AIM because his "lover" is in town, but can build a wall of 148 bricks. And Dominic doing the obvious, swooning over my confessional and game play, over-bearing complements...I shudder just remembering. Ellen is one who I actually believe is a genuine person, but the martyr card is just too much, and I called her on it.
"No one is a martyr. Everyone in this game is eligible to be targeted at any time whether it be first or last. YOU are not special."
I think were my exact words or somewhere close. She merely had a pause and a, "you're right," to respond with. It eats me up all over that she has somehow managed herself into the status of Good vs Evil darling, the top ranking, and highest profile and yet now feels entitled to this game. Just because she cares about it more? Just because of her status? Does it not mean nothing to anyone else? I'm not saying this to take away from her status, because she obviously deserves it, but to villify a whole group because they "unneccesarily targeted her"...that doesn't fly. Everyone who is targeted, is targeted NECCESARILY. Period.
Get off a high horse.
I don't know what all happened with Chase's image link. "The leak was figured out," was the explanation given to me. If there was a leak...from someone's confessional...used against them and others...it can't possibly be "figured out". It should never have leaked unless Chase leaked it on his own. If he did...I stand corrected. There is a reason why only a select few have access to my confessional, and I'll leave it at that.
To the best of my knowledge, the whole divide in this game came from pre-season cattiness. Apparently AJ said some such about Ellen being a threat...or Ellen said some such about wanting AJ out of All Stars and supporters took the information and ran with it. Apparently good ol', non-caring Benny, went straight to Ellen with a lot of juicy morsels from AJ. I don't know the truth. I only know what I hear. All I know is that the outcome is staring us in the faces and some big egos caused it. The rest of us who don't have the luxury of phone numbers or skype sessions or weeks in the know have only to choose a side or be picked off...or both if luck isn't on our side. I wonder where I fell?
Back to the chain of events, worst case scenario, Ben is immune. I had a gut instinct to tell AJ to go ahead and pick up Michael's slack, but I left obviously not well enough alone. How could coincidence be so precise? And then another bombshell to cause me to want to quit was the sudden, out of nowhere instructions to create a cartoon avatar, that is fairly time sensative. I mean, there's an intel on the side that's ready to be used, no? "Be here at such and such time on Sunday, your presence and expedience could be very important." Something like that. Something so we can be prepared, not sign on when we're in bed, on our phones. Whatever. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that this means a swap. Of course I'm frustrated that I'm already packed on the night before my trip...and I'm not going to get out of bed to play Survivor. Megan and I would be separated before we even got to leave on our trip. Whatever, "the swap from Hell" is the only valid way to describe it. 3 on 3...on both tribes. There was no way out of either one without someone falling victim to the purple rock...which, while I'm spewing all the piss and venom in my body (because it IS therapeutic for me at the moment), I think is the STUPIDEST thing that has ever occured on Survivor next to the final three and redemption, in that particular order. Chance should dictate alliances and swaps. Chance should not dictate the very moment you leave the game. I realize, blah blah blah, get off my back, I'm not the host. Point taken, I'm not. But this is my frustration and my rant. You would think with an idol in my pocket we could handily pull through.
I've already explained my week away. I spent as much time as I could searching for that idol with such vague clues. I couldn't do both that and the challenge. Yes, Megan and I had a fight during our trip over this stupid game. It's not worth it. It wasn't worth it. It never is worth it. But while I was in it, I had to fight for it, all the while my animosity towards Ben is just corroding me. Why, you ask? Because Ben really hurt me on what I feel was a personal level. I had more or less decided not to play this game. Most encouraged me not to. Thiago encouraged me not to. Zac encouraged me not to. "Take your success and run away."
Ben said plaaayyyyyyy. Knox did too, but Knox was a steadfast ally who I would have stuck with till the very end. As soon as this game started, Ben said.....
"I'm too busy" "I don't want to play" "I'm lonely" Yet he's telling Ellen everything I'm saying, doing, saying about Thiago...which, let's be honest, I wasn't sure I could totally trust Thiago at the moment. Not with Ellen in the picture. I'm hurt because Ben knew he had a solid group, a brilliant and oh-so-strategic crossover from a current game, and 5 year old buddy in Colleen. I was his number, and he said it best in our last blowout before I left this game....your mind games have annoyed me since the last game". Be that as it may, that's why he "wanted me to play". For a number, and to best me when he could. Well played, Ben. Well played. You got me.Now step into my shoes for a moment...and just take it in.
I said you were a disgusting human being, and so that's what I felt at the time, and at this moment I still do. Does that mean I hate you? Only in the heat of the moment. I won't hate you forever. But I won't be staying in touch. *shrug*
I thought we could figure something out to get out of our pending purple rock. Surely with the idol we could. Surely I could read the signs of who they might be voting. Ben tells me I could tie it and go ahead and change my vote later. How egotistical can you be? If he was so high and mighty to take a purple rock because Colleen is his friennnndddd, then why doesn't he just kindly excuse himself from the game? That's what I told him. I didn't ask him to quit. Just see reason. So no, I wasn't going to cave to his demands. Besides, I'd rather leave at the hands of a purple rock then go into the rest of the game outnumbered, without an idol, by a group who had been strategizing for a while. Yes, I keep going back to that. I told you, I'm a conspiracy theorist when it comes to all stars. But what Gloria told me would happen, happened. So there's that. If I knew I could have gotten ahold of Michael and Wendy before the vote, I would have switched the vote to Ben way back when and could have unleashed Gloria on those who had betrayed her. But I knew that wasn't possible, so I had to go with it.
Let's make no mistake, I didn't walk into the purple rock for AJ and Cassie's sake, per se. But for the whole group. The lines had been drawn. I had toyed with pulling myself out of the game, so why not be the one to take the chance. But I had, not one, but TWO 50/50 chances to surpass. How is it that I fail both of them? How is that coincedence came to that? Why was no amount of luck on my side in this game? It really makes you go hmmmm. Maybe it was ultimately because I wasn't supposed to play this game in the first place. Maybe Megan prayed for it, I don't know. But I do believe I wasn't supposed to play in the first place.
Here was my thought process in trying to figure out who Ben, Ellen, and Colleen would be voting: I figured they wanted AJ out more, so they would vote Cassie, who would, in turn, be immune to the purple rock. I should have anticipated that THEY would anticipate that. Really, it's impossible to figure out from one side or the other. It boils down to, I'm not supposed to be in this game. I had one shot, and I guessed incorrectly. Then I had another shot, and Random.org was not on my side. And before we start counting my sour grapes, I don't accuse anyone. I'm not accusing anyone. Again, let's take a walk in my shoes for a moment. It's MY fate in the game, determined by a random happenstance. Don't you think I want to be there, watching it live? Maybe having a hand at rolling a die or generating a random...or perhaps choosing my own number? I don't know...just something that I'm actively involved? Again, I accuse no one of anything, but it would have been nice rather than to log in and see...oh, well someone has already determined my fate with an unseen random process. I don't know...it just sucks. It sucks a lot. It sucks so much, that I'm not happy to be on the jury. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth, this whole entire experience.
If I perish, I perish. That's how I walked into this round. Obviously I didn't walk out of it. But I tried to save a group of people in so doing. I guess I'm not as pretty as Esther so the proverbial...well, I guess since this isn't a proverb or from Proverbs, it can't be proverbial, but go with it...King Ahasuerus didn't have the heart to save my people because my skin was so fair, and I was so beautiful to look upon. Just go with it...I'm rambling at this point...and pretty much drunk with the realization that this may be the last sentence it write here.
You know? It hurts. It hurts a lot. Especially the way I went out.
I perished.
Mark 17:8
And it came to pass, he was parted from them and carried up into heaven. But it was yet to be revealed what would happen to his people. One could only hope. The game is not fair and never has been.
Peace and blessings, selah.
